A flute of reed

I don't know what I want from this life.

I am nearly 40 and I still can't figure out if I want to live with somebody or if I want to live on my own. I mean with my daughter only.

Being on my own must be boring sometimes, but being with somebody is often damn difficult.

Am I selfish or something? Or I am just too independent and not too many man can handle this.

The good news is that I can live with my daughter on my salary ..... at the age of survival, but still ..... The price of freedom is high.

The bad news is that I am again in a relationship. he is young and cute, but ... do I really need him?

Honestly, I am going to forbid my daughter to get married. I strongly hope I won’t have to forbid her as she will think the same like me, but …. Who knows?

How things change in life, ah? From the strongest desire of woman – to see her daughter married, to the same thing being the most hatred one.

I know statistics show that people marry less and less nowadays, but my country and especially my town is still in the middle ages, so they don’t know about these statistics yet and the reasons behind them.

It is not only about heavy divorce taxes and property. It is much more about the big mistakes we make after we start thinking we have chosen a partner for a lifetime and way of life for a lifetime.

How pitiful we are! Nothing is for a lifetime. We have only us and only today. And if we are not here, today and can’t share our thoughts and feelings with our partner today we have nothing. Neither the signature on the paper at the day of our wedding matters, nor the promises we make to each other for the future.

So, I won’t forbid my daughter to live with somebody. I will encourage her on that. But I want to minimize the great expectations a wedding day is implying, the false sense of security the marriage gives and the risk of her husband taking her for granted. The marriage never grants love and affection, it much more often ruins them.

Moreover a human being needs some liberty to feel a human being. Love gives liberty, but not marriage. If you allow me to quote Benjamin Franklin, although I think he had something else in mind saying this:

“Those who would give up ESSENTIAL LIBERTY to purchase a little TEMPORARY SAFETY, deserve neither LIBERTY nor SAFETY. ”

Here are the simple facts:
1. I am a blogger.
2. I left my husband and I am trying to live with my daughter on one salary and I hardly succeed.
3. I need extra money and I need to earn them in the evenings and weekends preferably via internet.
4. I have created a PayPal account and did some research on internet on freelancing.
5. I found that there are possibilities, but as I am a beginner and I am living in Bulgaria, not in Western Europe or USA I haven’t got that many chances although I believe I have certain talents.
6. My only path to success is to prove my talents here, so that I can get different freelancing jobs.

Now I need to write an article, but I have difficulties in choosing topic.
Let’s try two different approaches:
1. I will grab a book from my shelf, open it on a random page, read a random word/phrase and write an article on it.
2. I will see what is bothering my mind the most in the last couple of days and will write an article on that subject.

So, I took a book from the shelf, opened it and … what I read you will see in the next post.

I was in the land of dead
And Hades was not guarding me.
I was staying on my own
No memories of the other world,
No connections to anybody.
The lonely business death.
I didn’t won’t to run,
I didn’t want to want
I didn’t feel.
It was not about resurrection,
Because before
It was not exactly … life.
He came,
He was at the birth,
Helped for the first steps
And now he holds me in his arms –
Naked, we breathe in harmony,
On our backs slowly grow
… wings …

Another Eurydice by Maya Angelova is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Bulgaria License.
Based on a work at afluteofreed.blog.co.uk.

The leaves are painting
Picture stud in brown
On the asphalt.
I don’t like the avangardizm,
But to give even your dead color out
Is touching.
Eclectic bouquet
Of flowers and seasons
We gathered
And then …. left.
I am also a forgotten flower –
Over there,
In the corner,
Next to my father's pipe.

drops
of tender
words
seep through
the iron
armor
and set out
on a journey
to meet
your
sentences
and
together
to write down
a poem
about something
that happens
somewhere
here

"Art is what God makes as man" Hazarat Inayat Khan

"Deity depiction causes the One that is without form, color, or breath to appear." Upanisad 4:1

http://mandalas.com/SquareMandalas/OrangeSunshineMandala.php

my orange dress on daisies
matches the sunflowers
in my mind,
is in contrast to
the fog in my heart
and meets my plans
for easy and joyful
Autumn

the same way I know that
the rose that is a rose will fade,
the snow that is snow will cover the grass
the Spring that is Spring will come in May,
something in me always knows
what will happen … anyway …

again
it wells up
rises from me
unweary
unextinguishing
mad energy
and passionate longing
for the real
only Le Clézio
would understand
and would walk with me
in deserts
on colored clouds
through the jungle
and would avoid with me
the inertia of the cities
the people’s jabber
and walls
of concrete
and ugly iron
we would examine the ore,
the lichen on the stones
the sea’s most deep
depths
together with our souls
aspirations
truths
and those mirror planes
in the other
in us
in the reality
that gives birth to us
and we give birth to

The morning streets of town are
Mine.
The flower’s bloom in the yards is
Mine.
The dew spread over the grass
Is mine.

The herbs do magic
On their own,
The birds imitate
Classics and
The sun tells jokes
To me.

The morning river flows
For me,
The water makes me dizzy
From a distance
And the mountains
Tempt me with
Their pale nimbus.

The morning streets,
Mountains,
Rivers,
Lakes
Are mine.
If you walk with me,
Side by side,
Smiled,
They will be all yours
With all my heart.