A flute of reed

Good morning, World!

How are you today?

Is the global warming (initialy it was worming, but OldNick noticed the mistake / bothering you or everything goes as planned?

Did your half sleep well tonight?

I didn't sleep very well, but it could be from this warming again?

Or the two men in my life, again. It gets irritating.

Sometimes I am worried about you, World.

Should I be worried or there is nothing I can do?

I think I should be to a certain degree.

I love you, World!

And I love My Friend!

Back at work.

Feeling sleepy ... I am not telling why, but ....

it is not good, not goot at all ....

I found cracks apperaing in my last firm decision ...

or I should say the last decision but one.

Oh, boy, oh, boy ....

OK, Don't think now!!!

Just work, work, work .... after you have a cup of coffee, of course!!!

Where is my coffee?

Once upon a time, there was a king who kept a monkey as a pet. The monkey servedthe king in whatever way he could. He had a free run of the royal household because he was the king’s pet. One hot day the monkey sat fanning by the side of the king who was sleeping. He noticed a fly on the chest of the king and tried to swish it away. The fly would go away for the moment and come back again to sit on the king's chest.
The monkey could take it no longer and decided to teach the fly a lesson. He looked for a dagger to kill it and when he found it brought it down with all force on the fly. The fly flew away but the king died as result of the dagger blow delivered by the monkey.
Karataka said, “Therefore, the lesson is that a king who cares for his life should not have a fool as his servant.’

http://panchatantra.org/the-king-and-the-foolish-monkey.html

I don’t want to speak to everybody

not because I think I am something more

or I am too unique,

but because there is no challenge when I speak to some people,

they don’t make me think,

they don’t inspire me,

they don’t help me finding out who I am

and what is this life all about.

Or I am totally wrong

and I should speak to everyone I meet,

because everyone could be my teacher?

And also – should I speak to people I don’t love?

Why would I?

Isn’t it much more pleasure to speak to someone you love?

I know I can’t avoid some business partners and some socializing now and then, but I speak about my personal life.

The more sensitive I become

the less words I have

the less people I want to know.

Will I end up as a silent hermit, or ...

there is a chance to live my life

with a few people I know and .... I love?

At the top of the mountain
there were only five of us:
the rocks, the grass, the birds, me and My Friend in my pocket …
…. if we don’t count the horse dong.

Background

I married my husband because I loved him.
I met him when I was 27 and I had some experience with men before and it was bad as a whole. I thought there is something wrong with me. One of the “wrong” things was my sharpened sensitivity that was giving me problems with the relationships.
When I met him I fell in love with him, but my mind was clear enough when I realized he is a man I can live with. Because he is easy going and he doesn’t mind me to tell what we should do. And the truth is I loved him and my child was conceived with love and then our house was build with love. I mean the house was already built by his mother, but we finished and furnished it. Before that we lived in one room and the conditions were very bad and the only reason I stood them and I was not complaining was that I loved him and my child. Of course at some point I started loving him less as he was not standing by me all the time and I was interested in things he was not interested.

***
Now, let me tell you about love.
If there is certain chemistry between two people the only reason for us to fall in love is if we feel the other person loves us. Some say we only love our mirror image we see in the eyes of the other person.
Because the other person puts us on a pedestal, imagining us being beautiful and perfect souls, when we know that actually we are not perfect at all, we like to see this image in the eyes of our beloved and this image urges us at least to try to be better persons. That’s how evolution goes if you ask me.
Unfortunately if somebody knows this rule, he may pretend to be in love and make other people fall in love with him just to play with them.

***
So, the reason I was not happy lately and I felt in love with other man was that I am interested in the Land of Soul and wanted to play with somebody there. Before I met My Friend, I was playing there only with my beloved. I don’t want to speak about him now; I will only mention that no matter how talented and good person he is, he managed to make me feel pain several times and he confessed that he did that on purpose. I must say that my husband never made me suffer on purpose.

And the other day I realized that my husband has a Soul and he must be able to find a way to express it. At the same time he loves me a lot. So, last weekend I asked him to write on a piece of paper how he feels. /thinking about my blogging in the last year, the therapeutic effect and the chance for expressing your soul/. And strangely enough in this moment, very difficult for him, he wrote something on a page. It was simple and straight, showing his pain, but I liked it. I was impressed that he did that. And can you believe that the other day, when I told him I will give him a chance I mentioned to him, that he may write me a poem now.

So, here I am, back from the mountain and there is a small poem about me on the table. Again very simple and straight, but that’s exactly the way I write poems myself. /”poems” is too much to say, but it doesn’t matter if somebody likes them and calls them poems, the point is only to write, to write, to write …./

Tell me now: am I not right to try again with my husband?

When I went to see my grandmother I took with me Shogun of James Clavell.
I bought that book long ago and tried to read it, but reached the middle and left it. Now I was in a very strange state of mind and decided to use it not to think all of the time for what am I going to do. The first day I read about 10 hours and the next day a bit less. /I have just checked in internet and found out that it is based on historical facts … very interesting. I was always interested in points where the Eastern culture meets the Western one/

It was a terrible heat. You sweat even if you don’t move. I tried to make the minimum movements, but still I felt like a fish out of water. I was born in the mountains and I lived there almost all my life. I think I can’t stand the heat. 40 degrees C is too, too much for me. On the way back we passed through one of the hottest towns in the country and we stayed there for couple of hours. Oh, God! I thought it was 50 deg C, even if it was not, but at direct sun light about 16:00 o’clock I don’t know, I just don’t know.

In the car we were traveling there was no air conditioning system and we were 5 adults and a child.

So, I survived that at the edge of my patience and the next day I went to do this interview in another of the hottest towns here. I did what I did – the interview went ok, but looking like there should be two more to go with the employer plus a task to be solved, send by e-mail.

I stayed with some friends – a family we know from the beginning of their marriage and I realized suddenly that they have much more problems than us and they are close to separation. In their case the girl is talking too much /Once when we went to see them I promised to myself never to stay with her a day as she never stops talking, never ever/.
So, I found out she hasn’t stopped talking and her husband hasn’t stopped going out with …. girls.

They have incredibly sweet fraternal twins at the age of 8.

I met also my … beloved and he was clever enough not to try to influence me, for which I thank him.
I felt I still love him, but not the strongest way as happened at a certain moment before. As I said already I think I have disconnected from him as well as from my husband and my feelings about them were deeply buried in my heart.

When I was back in my town I was wondering what to do. I slept two nights at my mothers place and I realized I don’t want to stay there anymore. I went to our house and I had a terrible crisis crying for all I have done and thinking about all we have achieved together with my husband. Then I went to see him and I found him suffering, but humble, ready to accept all my decisions, but stating he will fight for me. He said that he realized he has very few friends in this town, and said that his own mother doesn’t understand him and gives him very strange and unacceptable ideas – to lock the house and move back to live with her, for example. He said he almost couldn’t sleep these nights, but he was not going to the pub to drink with his friends – he said he was afraid what he can do if he is drunk. We had a long talk and as I was very tired I asked him only three of us to sleep in the house and then for me to think with a sharp mind at the other day.

Somewhere in this moment and at the other day I started thinking more seriously about my child. I started thinking how much I love her and what an influence will have on her our separation. I can’t say I didn’t think about that before, but somehow it must have been with not very clear mind.

So, when I woke up at the other day and start doing what was I going to do …. I started thinking if I should give my husband a chance to make me love him as before and … why not even more. I am well aware that it is not such a big deal to make a girl to fall in love. Especially when you are honest. Giving him some advises and telling him he must stay more with me, which is his wish now too, I thought I may do a miracle. He showed me he realizes his mistakes and he showed me his wish to change. I thought I must try even only because of my daughter. I remembered well only one thing from the horoscope – “What you do with this influence should be for the eventual betterment of everyone around you, not just yourself. You are the steward of this energy, not the owner. If you use it for purely selfish ends, you will provoke such furious opposition that you will eventually be unable to do anything.”

By the way my husband is a very good lover and even if he is not very good in expressing his thoughts he has penetrating mind and he has very good judgment about people.

Yesterday I asked my daughter if she wants to go to the mountains, but she suddenly said “no”. So, now I am going to leave her with my mother and go on my own. I’ve been dreaming for long time to go there once on my own. To walk a day or two, not talking to anybody, not considering anybody. Only me and the mountain.

And before I go to bed and try sleeping for some more time before I leave let me tell you one last funny story:

Yesterday, before going to the swimming pool, I broke a glass. At the swimming pool I saw just at the moment we were leaving the first man I felt in love in this town – the one I wanted even to be the first man to sleep with, but he refused. Then before going out in the evening I managed to break a second glass!!!! /Sometimes I don’t brake glasses for years, sometimes I brake a glass once a year, say, but never two glasses in one day!/ And entering the pub where we were going to have our second drink with my husband /feeling cold outside, because our town appeared to be a heaven compared to the hot places I went two days ago/ I saw the second man from our town I was really deeply in love with, actually the one I considered my Great Love.
Was that a sign or something?

I think I'll give him one last chance.
And I will go to the mountains tomorrow. On my own.
Just to have one last thought.
Or may be to ask God what to do.
Some say that it will be bad if he answers me. Never mind. I must try!

Oh, God!
In this very moment I am back in the state of full confidence in me, in God and in all that’s happening.

I can’t believe I am able to feel calm in this situation, but the truth is that I am very calm and even positive.

It could be because of the expected trip, or because some decisions are taken already and the moved pieces of the puzzle are just staying in their new places.

Only after a few days I might be in position to take new decisions, but right now I intend to enjoy the moment and accumulate powers for the moment I need them.

I need a rest and I will have it.

I will spend time with my daughter and my mother and I will think again about my life and try to find its logic.

This morning I thought about these words of My Friend:
“Connect, disconnect, re-connect …”
Incredibly simple way to say in a few words so much …. At this moment I feel disconnected from both men I had in my life before. It may be a re-connection with one of them, but I don’t know yet, and I don’t know to whom it might be. I will enjoy the moment of living some time without men.

I will enjoy the moment of looking only how life goes by …. and may be I will write down some notes for future posts.

As it’s Friday and I don’t know when I will be back I will write more.

Just reading My Friend’s comment I felt better and started to think about tonight’s journey.
My grandmother lives at about 200 km away south form here in a village in the mountain and close to the border. My mother left her home to come here when she was 14 years old, which is amazing imagining how small the children look to me at their fourteens. But 40 years ago times were different and my mother has 2 sisters and 4 brothers. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for my grandmother to grow 7 children.

So, tonight there will be one of the historical meetings of women from 4 generations in our family:
My grand mother, born 1928, my mother, born 1950 (her twin sister lives there and we will see her too), me, born 1970 and my daughter, born 2000. If you notice for three generations we are born in years ending in 0. I don’t know if this means something, but I like it. My other grandmother, who I loved very much as she was taking a good care of me when I was a child, was born 1920.

I have always a very good feeling when four of us meet. It is amazing to look how people reproduce and especially when we speak about women. Man take a small part in the reproduction, and they are almost one and the same no matter the times they live (excuse me, boys, but that’s true). Women need to be much more flexible and strong and …. their life seems more meaningful growing children and devoting such a big part of it to them. They don’t spare themselves; they are more openhearted and even partially egoistic like me, still they are able to forget themselves and live their beloved or their children’s life. I am trying to have a life on my own now, only with my child, and it looks like I will be the first in the family to try.
I think that it is good to have somebody to get old with, but until now it looks more like women in my family pay high price for that. No, they must feel relatively well, because my grandmother and my mother have simpler construction than me and they didn’t need anything else than a family. I don’t know who created me such a restless and curious soul, but I am about to turn upside down some of the family values. Hahaha …

Never mind. I am impatient to do this trip and come back to see what will happen on Monday when I have an interview for job appointed.

I did it.
I left him.
I left him with the impression I may be back sometime. I don’t believe that but it’s easier for him in that way. And may keep him from doing something stupid. I mean getting drunk every evening or something.
The fact is that everybody thinks now I am doing a stupid thing.
OK. I am stupid. Leave me to break my head and laugh after that.

Still my mother said at the end, that everything might be for good. She never tried to leave my father and now she regrets. Usually people never appreciate what they have until they lose it.
I felt absolutely terribly yesterday … seeing how I break his heart. I felt guilty and I felt like I am a monster.
But if I don’t break his heart now, if he doesn’t die now, he would continue being …. nothing special, interested only in his job and his friends. I reminded him he used to draw pictures before and play the guitar. That was at the time I felt in love with him. And he was also reading books.
Now, no pictures, no guitar, no books. Why? Doesn’t he realize his soul needs food the same way as his stomach?

Only when his heart was falling into pieces the last days he managed to speak to me with his soul’s voice. Why now? Why he was coping the others with their interests and talks? If he has a soul he must find a way to express it.

I think he will change for the good now.

He was not strong enough when I met him before and he thinks how he may degrade without me, but I have a feeling that I gave him some of my strength and he will be OK.

I can't write more as I don’t want people seeing me crying at the monitor.

I will go tonight to visit my grandmother for the weekend and unfortunately I won’t have internet access /not sure actually, I remember seeing an internet café there last time /. I am also on holiday next week, so I am not going to be here often, but I will think about you, my friend.

My personal portrait

Sun in Sagittarius, Moon in Libra
This astrological combination confers upon you a fairly strong personality that is charming and friendly. There is awakened ambition and a perpetual desire for self-improvement. Your most conscious objective is attaining wisdom. You have a love of balance and harmony that extends to your treatment of interpersonal relationships. The result of your universal affability is that you are quite popular. In love you are cooperative and honest, but you find difficulty in fully committing yourself to another.
The key to a more harmonious self lies in allowing the personality characteristics of Libra to more fully equalize and modify the impulses of your Sagittarian individuality.

Ascendant in Leo, Sun in the Fifth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Leo was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler the Sun is located in the fifth house.
People with Leo in the Ascendant seem to possess a flair for the life of nobility and regality. Your life will be in many ways influenced by decisions you make that have been motivated by your pride, desire for power, for authority, and your need to convince others of your courage.
In life you will act with a rather frank, generous, and amiable disposition. The course of events in your life will unfold themselves swiftly, and a life full of chance and circumstances will be the outcome of your desire to rule, to organize, to hold the keys of authority. You should be aware that as a result of overly strong impulses there is the danger of failures and upsets in life. You will be generally regarded as an amiable, sincere and generous person who, however, has much pride and sensitivity. Egocentricity is one of the prices of being born with the Ascendant sign of Leo. Another aspect of this zodiacal sign is that your personality becomes excessively charged with passion and sexual desire. On the other hand, these zodiacal signs grant in life a large dose of vitality as well as a fine physical shape and a strong, healthy constitution.
Willpower is a characteristic of your personality. You seek opportunities and when you find them you go to it, using both your mind and your emotions to strive for success with zeal and determination. You are very self-assured and you implement ideas with a self- assurance that lets nothing get in your way of success.
It would be beneficial to you, however, if you were not so candid and frank and if you did not expect others to act and feel as you do.
Leo will grant you very sincere and affectionate relationships in which you desire to bring happiness and an overall feeling of charitable spirit and warmth to your loved one. In your sexual relationships you appear as happy, strong, playful and even a little innocent.
You will always act better as a leader than a subordinate.
The Sun, ruler of your life was found located in the fifth house. This house has regency over the hedonistic aspects of life, social inclinations, emotions and children. It is also concerned, in a more material sense, with speculative affairs in business and other related activities.

Moon in the Third House
The Moon appears in the third house at the time of your birth. Your intellect is very sensitive to external events always changing and adjusting to the situation.
Memory is strong and of a pictorial nature. The mind, however, is liable to become too subjective and shallow with an overemphasis on superficial learning and with little practical use or lacking in intellectual sensibility. On the favorable side, there exists a vast reservoir of creativity which could be successfully applied to such pursuits as writing and poetry. Physically, the Moon will give you an intensely active life full of changes, mobility and fluctuations.
The demands of this position are simple: exert yourself in acquiring better control of your unstable and persistent imagination, increasing, thereby, powers of concentration and you will find delightful improvements not only at a mental level, but also in the ability to communicate with others more realistically.

Venus in the Fourth House
Venus was found in the fourth house at the time of your birth. This is usually a very favorable and fruitful position that grants excellent family relationships within peaceful and beautiful environments.
This position indicates many social affairs, feasts, parties, celebrations, and related activities.
Near the end of your life you should experience financial gain and an overall economic improvement.
A natural lover of country life and nature, you will find many opportunities to gratify these sentiments.

Sun in the Fifth House
The Sun was found in the fifth house at the time of your birth. This is a very significant location for the Sun.
There seems to be a progressive and gradual expansion of your feelings, especially the generative ones, throughout the years. Your life is oriented towards success in matters of enterprises, businesses, speculations, and society and pleasurable activities. Your love life promises to be very rich and will list many rewarding emotional attachments. In love you conduct yourself with dignity and certain poise.
Your pride is very sensitive in matters connected with your emotional nature. You are easily injured if your possessiveness and majesty in love is threatened. You can be very magnanimous and forgiving with the object of your love, and you will extend many positive qualities along with natural protection and strength.

Saturn in the Tenth House
Saturn was found in the tenth house at the time of birth. This a very challenging position for a person who seeks worldly success. The inhibiting powers of Saturn are expressed in a heavy, cautious, and very serious personality. Many of the limitations that will arise throughout life result from your own psychological disposition which is oriented to narrow bounds. The key to a satisfactory solution of the various problems that will arise throughout life lies in your ability to endure difficulties with patience.
Inwardly there are ambitions, aspirations, and thrift; properly projected these psychological characteristics could yield power, an image of pride, and a perpetual craving for material objects and worldly wealth.

My Forecast for this year

Pluto conjunction Sun: Facing the shadow
Mid February 2007 until beginning of December 2008: This is a time of great change in your life, when you will strive as never before to accomplish your ambitions. You will work harder than ever and not allow obstacles to prevent you from achieving your objectives. If you handle the energies of this influence skillfully, you should be able to go far with it, but you should be aware of certain pitfalls.
During this time you can work to remove old outworn structures in your own life and in the lives of those around you, so that all of you can experience a new life. But you must observe two limitations. First, this influence gives tremendous drive and energy, but only for the elimination of the truly old and outworn, not for doing anything you want. And second, it is a transcendental influence. Therefore its energies are not easily harnessed to the purposes of unenlightened egotism. What you do with this influence should be for the eventual betterment of everyone around you, not just yourself. You are the steward of this energy, not the owner. If you use it for purely selfish ends, you will provoke such furious opposition that you will eventually be unable to do anything. Similarly, if you use this energy to remove structures that are not yet ready to pass away, you will be unable to make progress. This influence signifies the need to replace an old, inferior state of being with a new and truly superior state. It does not just arbitrarily replace one with another.
The last point to remember is that you must do something now. You cannot simply sit back and let this time go by without making some changes. If you do not make them consciously, circumstances will take over for you, probably with unpleasant results. You may have to face some aspects of yourself that you do not like, but this is part of the process, and you will find that those aspects are not really so bad. They only looked bad because you have never given them a place in your conscious personality.

Pluto square Pluto: Which category?
End of February 2007 until mid September 2009: This is a period of general regeneration, which may not be entirely pleasant. Most of us are attached to the past whether or not it is good for us. And this influence will root out precisely those elements of the past that are not good for you, even those aspects that you have forgotten about. Problems that you may have lost track of entirely but which are still working unconsciously in your life may reappear and become active now, usually but not always to your detriment.
This influence is associated with forces for change that are inherent within the hidden depths of things. Therefore you should not blame the unpleasant changes that occur now on circumstances or persons in your environment. Look within yourself to see how the groundwork for the present is laid in the past.
Many things may be destroyed at this time, and the destruction will be ruthless if you defend them with rigidity. The action of this influence upon unyielding entities is particularly harsh. Therefore you should simply allow the things of the past to fade and allow the future to be born on their ruins. If you can do this, the potential for positive change is very great.
This influence may also increase your concern about the creative and regenerative processes within the universe and cause you to become interested in the occult. However, certain aspects of the occult, such as magic, are best avoided during this time, because the energies involved will be difficult to control now. Although your conscious mind may be in control at first, you are likely to find that entirely unconscious forces within you have taken over and are running you completely. This can have disastrous consequences.
You may also get into severe power struggles with people who are trying to prevent the changes in your life or who are trying to expedite changes that you are resisting. Look very carefully to ascertain which category they are in.

Uranus trine Venus: Attractive differences
Beginning of April 2007 until beginning of March 2008: During this period your relationships will have a new feeling of freedom and excitement. If you are not currently involved in a love relationship, this influence may very well mark the beginning of one. And it is likely to be quite different and unusual in terms of your past experience. You may find someone who is quite different from you in social background, ethnic group, age or interests, and it will be this very difference that attracts you. You are seeking to escape from the everyday rut through this new love, and you probably will. And with this influence, the relationship should last, because the two of you will be able to build interest and excitement directly into your relationship so that it won't become stale and dull. Also you will be able to give each other enough room that you can avoid smothering each other with excessive closeness and possessiveness.
If you are already involved in a relationship, this is a good time to make changes so that it becomes renewed and fresh. You will learn that neither of you needs to fear the other's desire for independence and individual self-expression.
This influence also brings about friendships that are exciting and challenging as well as constructive. Every kind of social contact, even those that are usually routine and unexciting, may provide fascinating new experiences now. Life will not be dull during this time.

Saturn trine Sun: Further training
21 August 2007 until 6 September 2007: At this time the circumstances of your life and your own inner energies are working quite well together. But this influence will not seem especially lucky; rather, your life as a whole will run smoothly, and whatever you do will come out well. Without any special sense of effort, you are actually able to make significant progress and get a great deal done. Take advantage of this and accomplish as much as possible. If an opportunity arises for further training to expand the range of your experience, take it, because you will build up a bulwark against possible adversity later on. The more you accomplish at this time, the easier it will be to live up to demands that will be made upon you a few years from now.
This is a time of preparation for the climaxes that come at the opposition and conjunction transits. Therefore you should use this period to make your world strong and secure against difficulties. This is also a good time for building up your physical strength rather than wasting it. If you waste your energy now, it won't mean immediate trouble, but in a few years, when you need strength and energy, you may not have it.
This is a good time to win recognition from others for your achievements. Employers or others with whom you work will be impressed with your diligence. And you should strive to impress them, because in a few years your goals will be challenged, but if you have convinced others that you are worthwhile, you will overcome those obstacles more easily.

Jupiter trine MC: Boundless enthusiasm
23 November 2007 until 3 December 2007: This is a time of increased optimism and self-confidence. You feel capable of doing much more than you have ever done, and you are willing to make the effort. This influence quite often signifies professional success, and you may receive a promotion of some kind. Others will look to you for leadership, for they recognize your self-confidence and see that you deserve it.
You have a good idea about where you want to go at this time, and you have probably mastered the techniques and skills needed to get there and have acquired the material resources as well. Under this influence you may gain financially, but you are not likely to squander your money. You will use it to get ahead.
If you are in business for yourself, you may want to expand your business during this time, and you may have an opportunity to do so. You may want to make improvements in your home or move to a larger and more spacious one.
Even if nothing very obvious happens on the material plane, as may be the case, this is usually a time of inner peace and contentment. You feel good about yourself, with none of the torments and insecurities that may afflict you at other times. Your confidence comes over to other people, and they feel good being with you. As a result you may be able to support or cheer up someone who is not feeling very well.
At this time you should be careful not to overextend yourself or become overcommitted in your boundless enthusiasm. Keep in mind that even now your energies are finite.

Jupiter conjunction Sun: Exuberant optimism
12 December 2007 until 21 December 2007: Traditionally this is considered one of the most marvelous influences, and indeed it is quite good. At the very least, you will feel good at this time. Your health is good, and you feel very optimistic. For a while it may seem that everything is working out perfectly, and if you make an effort, it will. But if you simply sit back and enjoy this time, its beneficent influence will pass away with little to show for it afterward.
This is the beginning of a new twelve-year cycle of growth in your life. It is a time to initiate new projects and expand your activities so that you can experience life from a broader perspective. You may find that you can escape from some narrowing and inhibiting circumstance that has prevented you from realizing your full potential as a human being. Sometimes people travel under this configuration, but usually the traveling is more in the mind.
This is a good time to study a subject that raises your consciousness or expands your view of the world, and it is an excellent time for going back to school. You may also meet new people who expose you to aspects of life that you have never known before. Your freedom will certainly increase.
Even with this influence there are some pitfalls. First of all, your exuberant optimism can cause you to overdo or overreach yourself, so that when this time is over, you find yourself out on the proverbial limb. Exercise a certain amount of restraint and build upon what you have rather than trying to increase your holdings beyond your ability to handle them. Be careful of extravagance, and if you invest money, remember that today's luck is not permanent.

The best astrology site with free horoscopes on internet as far as I understood:http://www.astro.com/

It is unbelievable!!!!

Why I live with other’s pain?
Isn’t mine enough?
Isn’t my compassion weakness
artificially imposed over my strength
to survive everything?
In peaceful time
everyone can survive everything
and why not to leave
the ones that can’t,
to go?
You threaten me with suicide?
Do it!
If you don’t value
this gift – your life,
you don’t deserve it!

The Know-How of life is
The Know-How of love.
The rest is Death.
There is nothing wrong with death.
The dead plants decay feeds the ground
For the live plants to live.
What if the dead souls feed the ground
For the live souls?
If we don’t meet dead souls every day
Would we appreciate life, would we
Breath it,
Taste it
And want more and more
Of it?
More and more life?
More and more love?
Unless we are dead …

This stupid boy, my husband, went to see my mother, called his mother and told them both that I want to separate. Can you believe that?

That was wrong, very wrong.

Why he did that?

He told them not to tell me, he told them, obviously, that he is only sharing.

BUT he must have known that both of them will try to speak to me. He must have hoped they will influence me. Is that the right way to safe your family?

What a man he is to call mothers for help?

And I had that talk with his mother yesterday – she trying to tell me to think more. What? Am I stupid? Does she think I haven’t had millions of thoughts? Does she think I am stupid?

I know he is weak, I even tried to excuse him for doing that, but then I realized I am suffering for days and days only imagining his pain. I was not thinking about me and the terribly difficult life I am going to have starting all from the beginning, but I was thinking about him. Does he deserve that actually? He almost forgot me the last couple of years thinking his job and his friends are everything. He is saying even now he loves me in a very strange accusing way. He says he loves me and thinks that good enough. Fists of all show me love, don’t tell me – and show me love before I tell you I want to separate. He was very good at showing me love in his pub, drinking with his friends while I was at home. Now he can show me love staying here and me living in another town – what will be the difference?

He almost tried to tell me yesterday he would commit suicide if I leave him. OK. Go and do it! One of the most selfish and stupid things to do. Will he keep me telling me this bullshit? Does he think I will suffer my entire life if he kills himself because of me?

Wrong suggestion - I won’t suffer. I like people that have guts to live this life, not to kill themselves.

And this problem with his eyes – he had a problem about a week now with some irritation – now he is trying to use it too. Showing his pain and looking like the life is ending with an eye problem. It could be from the nerves they say. And it appeared at the end he needs to wear glasses because he has astigmatism and poor eyesight at long distances. OK, I wear glasses, many people do.

Yesterday I even thought I should stay with him if he has a big problem with his eyes. Oh, God.

I really thought I may give him a chance, I though to stay at least another year, but he is not helping me with that – he is only irritating me the way he acts (even trying to stay with me more now) and the way he talks.

We are totally different and I start to think I CANNOT stay with him. Why some think it is matter of thinking – it is not – it is a matter of ability – I feel I won’t be ABLE to stay anymore.

....

OK, I feel better now I said that and I am going to think about me today.

The morning is lovely and at this very moment there is a smile on my face.

I was challenged to write about love and more specifically about the know how of love.
I like the term “know how” very much and I was very happy when yesterday my friend connected it to love.
I even think now if I invent the know how of love I may become a millionaire.

Hahahaha …. Just joking … a little bit.

OK, OK, no more playing with words.

Before I get to the point of know how, let me share some thoughts about love.

People often call love the feelings that appear between a man and a woman, when there is an attraction and certain chemistry between them. Yes, it is may be a sort of love, but this love disappears. Is it possible love to disappear? I don’t think so.

First of all love is something that lives inside us, inside all of us I hope. Love only chooses different objects to which it could be applied to, but it’s not the objects that create the love, it’s the love that …. creates the object. hahah…

I was mistaking the first type of love for love and it took me a long time to realize that love is in me, not in the object of my feelings, or between us.

The major conclusion following the above fact is that we always have love even if there are no objects. It is very unlikely not to have any objects, of course. At least you have a family and some friends.

When I realized that I had a period in my life I was laying in bed feeling full of love and loved … by …. by the Universe, by God or by whatever you want to call it.

Now things are changed a little bit, but I can go back to this state in some time I am sure.

So, what about the know how of love.

Yes, I was always interested in the way people show their love. Some people are absolutely incapable of showing love and this is one of the biggest problems we have. I my say for example that my dad was not able to show love when he was young and I was not aware he loves me. This has caused one of my biggest problems later in life I guess.
I guess I was not feeling loved and I started looking for love in the people around me.

The other extreme is when someone is obsessed by his love to his child and grow it mollycoddled.

OK, the extremes are clear, what is the golden mean?

As it is difficult for me to theorize I will give another example:
How I grow my child, who is the person I love the most.
I leave her doing whatever she wants, unless it is bad for her health or disturbing people around.

I don’t tell her what to do, I only suggest if she wants to draw a picture or try writing letters. And she does it if she wants to do it.

But doing what she wants to do, she is close to me and she knows I love her. I tell her that I love her a dozen times a day. Every day I hug her several times and I tell her she is the person I love the most in this world. Of course, I just talk to her sometimes and answer all her questions.

So I believe it should be with my partner. I would leave him doing whatever he wants, but I will tell him every day I love him and I hope there will be a current between us, an interaction between the female and male parts of our personalities/our souls. Like my friend says.

As for you, my friend, I am not able to express the interaction between us better than you. You already did that and I agree, I still have no words, because I have not enough experience to describe the lovely butterfly dance that happens when we play with words and express our love.

My words are too practical; too engineering I would say (professional deformation). I can be sort of poetic only if I don’t think and some words appear into my mind from nowhere or as a momentary reaction of something - if I am writing in brain mode like now I am too practical I am afraid and it’s difficult for me to speak about love actually.

But still – love is not emotions, not the feelings between two people, love is the very essence of life I truly believe that and I believe that nothing can grow in this world if there is no love put into it. The loveless creations die.

Love accepts, forgives, have compassion, understands.
Once I read that the only way to know, to understand somebody it to love him. Only when you love you start living your beloved life and see how it is like - you walk in his shoes. You wouldn’t understand somebody you don’t love.

Oh, God. Did I say something about how to love?
I don’t know. May be I should try again. These were only my chaotic thoughts this morning.

Heart.

Heart.

Heart.

It does sounds more than love.

...

I really dislike using words so exhausted from use that they just have lost their meaning.

That’s why I don’t pay so much attention on the words (except for some special cases).

I pay attention on the words between the lines.

I can read the words between the lines.

I read couple of sentences and decide if they are of interest and if they are, I read the whole text trying to get only … a feeling about the person and his/hers ideas … feelings … perceptions of life.

And when I get the feeling I can only like the person and leave him on his way or in very rare occasions now I want to talk.

I can’t stand meaningless chats anymore. I had enough of them.

Let’s go back to the heart.

What is heart?

I always wonder if there is any difference between the heart and the soul.

The heart must me something at a lower level than the soul, or may be it is not. May be it is only a manifestation of the soul. May we know our souls? I am not sure. But we may know what our heart is. What is it telling us?

Sometimes people believe their hearts misled them. Sometimes they believe they made a mistake following their hearts. And in the material life it may looks like that.

But I think differently. I think that whenever you followed you heart, no matter what a pain it may cause at the end, was good. Good for your soul, for your self-realization. If you want the later, of course.

I think I always have followed my heart. I remember it was painful, but I have no regret for what I have done.

I think when you follow you heart, there are not many choices you need to make. Usually its only one choice. Because as an ancient eastern proverb says:
"The brain thinks, the soul knows."

OK. I was going to write something completely different today, but I feel its time for me to tell you how I treat intruders.

I have experience with intruders.
I like them. They are one of my best teachers, but I know you know that.

So, I was never ever interested in arguments and I am still not interested.
Only if I feel that there is a hint of a reasonable (for me) thinking in somebody, I may agree with him politely and very ambiguity and then ask him a question to see if he is really ABLE to think.

Do you think that most of the people are able to think? I don’t.

So, if he shows certain ability to think and certain abilities to have feelings I may have a conversation with him or I won’t, depending my mood. If he doesn’t show any ability to think I just don’t answer.

I like to leave their words in the empty space.

In my entire life I was never able to hate anybody. The worst feeling I had, or I have for somebody now, is indifference.

There are lots of people that just don’t exist for me. I don’t want them to exist and if I say they don’t exist, it means they don’t. They are empty space. No matter how badly they will try to come up in existence for me, there is no way unless I decide something else.

In the beginning I used to feel hurt, yes, but now …. oh, no, now only someone I love can hurt me and even this is not very sure. People that I don’t love have no influence on me, there is no way for them to make me feel bad or hurt, or something … they are haystack, but I am looking for the needle, and only it can influence me.

About a year ago I wrote something-like-a-poem:

They try to put some borders
Over my endless spirit.
Small and limited their souls are,
They can’t stand a bit of me.

They like to impose their rules,
Closed and comfortable they are.
They simply cannot understand
The freedom of my open and unlimited Self.

It doesn’t sound so well in English and it doesn’t sound very well even in my own language, but I don’t care, the point is in the meaning, isn’t it?

End of next week will be the end of the first year I started blogging.
In the beginning it was only for fun.

About a year before that I was talking to people in a forum devoted to the spiritual development.

When I say “spiritual” you know what I mean. At that place was also a fun for sometime because I made it funny …. I made funny my development. Then somebody came and spoiled all the fun with his highly “spiritual” conclusions. I couldn’t stand him, because there was no love in him, no natural energy, no compassion, nothing – he used to call himself “nobody” and he WAS nobody. /what you think you become/.
That’s why I started blogging, but I knew the audience will know almost nothing about the spiritual stuff and I was writing more about my everyday life. For a period of time it was fun there too and there were several people I liked talking to. But this year the fun started to disappear there too. Too much of materialism, neglect, even hate.
I started to feel like they pollute my pure thoughts and feelings with their materialism, neglect and hate.

I couldn’t stand them anymore. That’s why I started this blog – I was fed up and needed a change.

I never even dreamed about meeting somebody like you, My Friend, (or may be I dreamed long ago and forgot about that dream) but here you were - my God’s gift.

A friend who allows me to love her.

A friend who is giving me answers. A friend who is confirming the answers I already have.

Oh, God! Thank you for everything and mostly about the synchronicity.

I feel shiny and bright today.

I was feeling down on Saturday, got much better on Sunday, deciding to do what is best for me with lots of patience and zeal, and I feel like walking on the Seventh Heaven today.

I wonder why lately I managed to have doubts in my choices and my ability to survive.

There is a weakness in me only when I love. Even not speaking about anybody else but my daughter, I must say that when I was on my own, I was ready to jump in lakes, climb the highest peaks, travel to the other end of the country hitchhiking, jump into problematic relationships and etc., but I cannot afford this now. I must take care of those I love and in order to be able to do that I must take care of myself.

So I will do what is best for me in order to be able to do what is best to those I love.