I don’t know why I try to express my thoughts and feelings in a very simple, clear way.
May be I want my thoughts and feelings to be very simple and clear. May be they actually are.

But if I do that in future it will mean I would never be a writer. A writer should write more complicated things. He should tell stories. Not that I can’t tell stories, but …

I even read a thought the other day, which was saying something like: “the art is not conscious”. Having in mind that I was always wanted to be conscious; it looks like I will never be able to create a piece of art. At the same time I don’t want to be “spiritual” as many are trying to be now. I don’t think I want to be enlightened.

So, what am I supposed to be?

Not a writer, not a follower, not enlightened …. why the word “nothing” is coming to my mind again?

And is it true, that you can’t create a piece of art if you are conscious?

Do art and enlightenment contradict?

…
No, don’t worry; I am just having these not very serious thoughts …
The mentioned thought was Leo Tolstoy’s one, as far as I remember and here is something else I fond in Internet:

“God is that infinite All of which man knows himself to be a finite part.
God alone exists truly. Man manifests Him in time, space and matter. The more God's manifestation in man (life) unites with the manifestations (lives) of other beings, the more man exists. This union with the lives of other beings is accomplished through love.
God is not love, but the more there is of love, the more man manifests God, and the more he truly exists...
We acknowledge God only when we are conscious of His manifestation in us. All conclusions and guidelines based on this consciousness should fully satisfy both our desire to know God as such as well as our desire to live a life based on this recognition.”
:)