A flute of reed

Oh, God!
In this very moment I am back in the state of full confidence in me, in God and in all that’s happening.

I can’t believe I am able to feel calm in this situation, but the truth is that I am very calm and even positive.

It could be because of the expected trip, or because some decisions are taken already and the moved pieces of the puzzle are just staying in their new places.

Only after a few days I might be in position to take new decisions, but right now I intend to enjoy the moment and accumulate powers for the moment I need them.

I need a rest and I will have it.

I will spend time with my daughter and my mother and I will think again about my life and try to find its logic.

This morning I thought about these words of My Friend:
“Connect, disconnect, re-connect …”
Incredibly simple way to say in a few words so much …. At this moment I feel disconnected from both men I had in my life before. It may be a re-connection with one of them, but I don’t know yet, and I don’t know to whom it might be. I will enjoy the moment of living some time without men.

I will enjoy the moment of looking only how life goes by …. and may be I will write down some notes for future posts.

As it’s Friday and I don’t know when I will be back I will write more.

Just reading My Friend’s comment I felt better and started to think about tonight’s journey.
My grandmother lives at about 200 km away south form here in a village in the mountain and close to the border. My mother left her home to come here when she was 14 years old, which is amazing imagining how small the children look to me at their fourteens. But 40 years ago times were different and my mother has 2 sisters and 4 brothers. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for my grandmother to grow 7 children.

So, tonight there will be one of the historical meetings of women from 4 generations in our family:
My grand mother, born 1928, my mother, born 1950 (her twin sister lives there and we will see her too), me, born 1970 and my daughter, born 2000. If you notice for three generations we are born in years ending in 0. I don’t know if this means something, but I like it. My other grandmother, who I loved very much as she was taking a good care of me when I was a child, was born 1920.

I have always a very good feeling when four of us meet. It is amazing to look how people reproduce and especially when we speak about women. Man take a small part in the reproduction, and they are almost one and the same no matter the times they live (excuse me, boys, but that’s true). Women need to be much more flexible and strong and …. their life seems more meaningful growing children and devoting such a big part of it to them. They don’t spare themselves; they are more openhearted and even partially egoistic like me, still they are able to forget themselves and live their beloved or their children’s life. I am trying to have a life on my own now, only with my child, and it looks like I will be the first in the family to try.
I think that it is good to have somebody to get old with, but until now it looks more like women in my family pay high price for that. No, they must feel relatively well, because my grandmother and my mother have simpler construction than me and they didn’t need anything else than a family. I don’t know who created me such a restless and curious soul, but I am about to turn upside down some of the family values. Hahaha …

Never mind. I am impatient to do this trip and come back to see what will happen on Monday when I have an interview for job appointed.

I did it.
I left him.
I left him with the impression I may be back sometime. I don’t believe that but it’s easier for him in that way. And may keep him from doing something stupid. I mean getting drunk every evening or something.
The fact is that everybody thinks now I am doing a stupid thing.
OK. I am stupid. Leave me to break my head and laugh after that.

Still my mother said at the end, that everything might be for good. She never tried to leave my father and now she regrets. Usually people never appreciate what they have until they lose it.
I felt absolutely terribly yesterday … seeing how I break his heart. I felt guilty and I felt like I am a monster.
But if I don’t break his heart now, if he doesn’t die now, he would continue being …. nothing special, interested only in his job and his friends. I reminded him he used to draw pictures before and play the guitar. That was at the time I felt in love with him. And he was also reading books.
Now, no pictures, no guitar, no books. Why? Doesn’t he realize his soul needs food the same way as his stomach?

Only when his heart was falling into pieces the last days he managed to speak to me with his soul’s voice. Why now? Why he was coping the others with their interests and talks? If he has a soul he must find a way to express it.

I think he will change for the good now.

He was not strong enough when I met him before and he thinks how he may degrade without me, but I have a feeling that I gave him some of my strength and he will be OK.

I can't write more as I don’t want people seeing me crying at the monitor.

I will go tonight to visit my grandmother for the weekend and unfortunately I won’t have internet access /not sure actually, I remember seeing an internet café there last time /. I am also on holiday next week, so I am not going to be here often, but I will think about you, my friend.