A flute of reed

***
I am screaming
inside.
I don’t know why.
Of horror?
Of sorrow?
Of love?
Of despair?
Of hope?
Of this world?
I want out.

***

I tried to suppress the feeling
and stay at the apple contemplating.
From the scream escaped my heart
its leaves suddenly faded away.

I see My Friend is happy and loving today.

I am happy and loving today.

We are in synch again. Hahaha

She wonders why we are in synch, but as I am lazy I don't write so often here and she doesn't know what I feel and think all the time.

The thing is that what she writes often sounds like taken from my head and I don't want to repeat her.

I wish I have more time to write more ...

OK. I love .... in the romantic way.

That's fine.

But where my love touches the Real Life problems start.

I can't change the Real Life now in such a way so that my love to be .... possible.

So, my love either will stay impossible until it fades away

or my love will help changing the reality in such a way that it will become possible.

I need time I guess.

I need to wait.

I tried to change the Real Life myself, but I failed.

That was I sign.

Was I just impatient ... again this summer

or I just needed to act like that to learn some lessons.

The second should be true.

Oh, boy!!!

It is 27.09.2007. This means 9 + 9 + 9 = 27 = 2 + 7 = 9.

Three nines and a nine at the end, of course.

Wow, what a day!!!

This year appeared to be very strange. 2007 means number 9 and it was a year of transformations and ending with relationships and ideas ....

It's not finished yet, but I can say even now it was one of the most important years of my life, most exciting, most transforming ... etc.

The year in which I loved the most ....

I wonder sometimes if there is sense knowledge in opposite to the mind knowledge.

And if there is, which is better?

It should be the sense knowledge, because the mind is easy to be deceived.

There was such a saying that you can deceive the mind, but you can't deceive the feelings.

There are many things I can control in my life, but I can’t control my feelings about somebody.

I know that I shouldn’t try artificially, because if you suppress something consciously it stays somewhere there in your sub consciousness and in a certain moment of time it will come up. Or it will work slowly but surely on your consciousness.

So, when trying not to control it I see that I can’t stop loving somebody I should only accept that. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I should change something in my life, but I should just … love.

The strangest thing is that he feels the same.

He said yesterday he wished I don’t love him.

I was thinking about the same thing last couple of weeks. I wish he did not love me. In this case I would be able to forget him and go on with my life the way it is, even feeling that there is an empty spot in it.

But, nooooo. It shouldn’t be so easy … obviously. It should be hard. Hard for him and hard for me.

And no idea what will happen at the end.

Two weeks ago I thought I know what I want. Now I don’t know and I won’t know soon. Now I know what I want at the moment, but I don’t know how long this moment will last.

I really wish something to happen that will change everything naturally. But I am asking too much. I am asking to be easy.

It will be hard, but is there anything else I can do except … accepting it?

May be I only could try to enjoy the moment … together with its hardness.

I don’t know if we are two of a kind or 

We are a kind of two 

But we fit so well together 

We are so harmonious together 

One being,

One perfectness together 

Playing some old games with 

The short-living imperfect characters

It doesn’t really matter 

Because we are here and now 

We live here and now 

And we love each other  

Here and now 

And that’s all  

It is required from us. 

Happy Birthday My Friend! 

I kiss I hug I love you!!!!! 

P.S. I wanted to write a poem, but it doesn’t appear to be a poem. I wanted to say I love you in a special way and I don’t know if I managed. It may sound a bit forcedly and fantasy, but that’s what came up into my mind and then I didn’t want to change it. I hope it doesn’t sound too strange for you.   

Everything happens for a reason.

It’s only that we can’t find the reasons.

I envy the people that are never bothered to look for them.

I can’t stop myself searching the reasons … the causes and the effects, the meaning …

But no matter what I do I must be myself. I must learn to be myself and stop pretending to be a nice girl only in order to keep the people around me quiet.

The conflict of my life is the following:

I hate to hurt people and I try to keep them satisfied even denying sometimes myself,

And at the same time I want to be me and I want to be honest.

In order for me to be me I need to live alone I suppose, but the problem in our country is that it’s much easier to keep a house if you are two. And I guess I don’t want to go to bed alone. It’s much better for me to have somebody to hug.

So, I have somebody to hug, I am free to do most of the things I want to do, so I should be OK with some thoughts never said to the person I live with … and may be with some feelings never felt about him.

Or I shouldn’t …..

I should find the answer of this question soon, but … no drama. Everything is OK. Everything happens for a reason and I just learn my lessons

Everything is perfect.

Can I control ... or I cannot control my feelings?

That's the question.

If somebody suffers and says that it is because of me, should I feel quilty?

Can I make somebody happy?

Most people whould say yes, I know, but can I?

I wonder can somebody make me happy?

Yes, may be for an hour, two ... but what about a whole day, week, month?

Yes, I am fed up with definitions.

Everybody defines the things. Subjects, thoughts, feelings.

Can I do someting that is not defined yet?

Can I have a feeling never defined before?

Can I be somebody that is not defined?

An anonymous is trying to tell me I am lonely.

Of course, I am lonely. I am lonely, because I am consious and I know this world is not my world and I will always miss something here.

I may be happy and full for a while, but never forever.

I would stop my development if I am fully satisfied.

I will be dead.

So, yes, I am lonely, you stupid anonymous! If you are not, there is something wrong with you. May be you are dead?

Definitely a strange day.

I found at least 6 people I know and I like that feel bad this evening.

Just a coincidence or .... there is something in the air?

I changed my mood several times today.

Strange day.

I felt really bad 15 minutes ago.

A shower makes things a bit better.

The presence of My Friend makes them almost normal ... in such a bad evening. / I mean in a beautiful morning it will make them perfect /

I am going to keep the other blog for fun and write here my real thoughts.

There is nobody there that is at the same wavelength, so there is no sense to be serious there.

Not that I take something seriously. I only take some people seriously, but still let’s say that I have serious thoughts.

So, what is serous for today?

The novel I started has already three chapters and I can’t believe this. I thought I will give up right away. But there is another idea: I can keep blogging about what is happening in my life putting it into this frame of awaken soul and mixing with some fiction, of course, just for fan.

I remembered today how I started talking to My Friend. It was all about fun … and fan.

I am in this fun mood today. And the last few days.

I had a crisis last week, because I thought my beloved won’t speak to me anymore. I felt I can survive that and try to live as before, but I was suffering … I was suffering badly for a day or two. Then he was laughing to me on the phone and I felt much better.

Somewhere in the middle of the crisis and after that suddenly I decided to start talking to more people from the other blog site. For a long period of time I closed myself down and I didn’t want to speak to anybody. I thought it is senseless. But now I realized I need to have fun and I can’t do it alone all the time.

I started talking to about 50 years old guy how is writing very colorful short essays, for exaple, and I enjoy that.

So, now I am in my normal state of spirit up and I am looking for … fun.

As I need to keep my mind busy and blogging is nothing new I started a new project. I am not sure for how long it will be interesting for me, but it worth trying, because it may keep my mind busy for long.

I started something like a novel. In the first chapter I wake up and I realize I remember my previous lifes. As in Michael Newton’s book Journey of Souls and for example here: http://www.spiritualregression.org/oursoul.html I remember the souls that are in my group and now I see clearly what roles they play now, and what roles they have been playing before. A was a man in my previous life.

So, now awaken I wonder what to and I decide to play, because the life here is just a game. I only need to find a playmate that is awake too, because the sleeping souls take this life too seriously and you can’t play with them. Or I should awake somebody by kicking him .... there.

This is the first chapter and the idea is to mix some fiction with some real things and people.

Let's see what will happen.

Another thing I read yesterday was that in the Sanskrit poetics there are 9 main poetical feelings: erotic, laugh, pathetic, horror, heroic feeling, fear, disgust, admiration and calm.
Later on they have added the kinship tenderness and devotion. In the Sanskrit philosophy these are all feelings that put away us from the goal to achieve ourselves and see clearly the truth about ourselves. Even the love to the opposite sex is interpreted in the eastern philosophic systems as evil of a high kind, which a man should get rid of in order to achieve spiritual harmony.

That’s a very interesting statement, which I assume is addressing the thing I call romantic love. I must admit that I had such a feeling myself – that the romantic love is … the word “evil” is too strong, but let’s say …. a handicap. No, handicap is not a good word too. The romantic love is a step on the way. Then you just move forward. The problem is with the people that think the romantic love is the end of the road.

Never mind. No matter what I think, different things happen to me and I need to handle them somehow. If I have a romantic love now it must be on purpose. I must learn my lesson.

If this feeling changes, that’s OK. A new lesson!

I read a guy who was comparing the relationship of a man and a woman with asphalt.

At the beginning both of them put all efforts to make it smooth and shiny, with no holes, with no grains of sand.

He says we are very counscious, responsible, attached and dedicated at the beginning of the relationship. We have very romantic and good intentions, desires, expectations and ambitions.

And what happens after - the asphalt starts to crack.

The question is: Have you ever seen asphalt that doesn't crack?

I start to think myself that an eternal love may exist only with somebody you don't live with.

The co-existence can't keep love alive. It can keep a friendship, but not love.

I am not sure if we need love of a true kind to live - love is all around, at the end of the day, but what we are looking for all the time, what we are striving for?

Let’s love each other

Here and now!

Let’s deceive the time

And bend the space

And kiss each other

Here and now!

Let’s not make promises

Let’s unload the baggage of past

Let’s not look around

Let’s not think

Let’s make love

Here and now!

I was trying to stop myself from blogging.

I thought I must do Real Life.

That’s it! I don’t want more RL. RL hurts!

I am going to be in the blogging business for a looong time now. And I will write as much as I want and I won’t bother if I am addicted.

Let me be addicted!!!

I will blog

Blog

Blog

Blog

What I am going to blog about? Dunno

We will see!

I want to show My Friend something I found on the net. I should translate it in English – so it may not sound so well, but the meaning is important.

It is a quote from Fellini’s autobiography:

“.. To be alone means to be the totally you, because you are free to develop out of the others boundaries. To be alone is something special, and a person that could be alone is something you can meet very rarely. I always envied the individuals having inner recourses, because these resources give independency – freedom that everyone says that he wants, but in reality they fear it. The most people are scared in their life is being alone. When they appear to be alone even for minutes, they are looking for somebody to fill the emptiness. They fear silence, the silence that is present when you are alone with your thoughts, with the endless internal dialogue. In such cases you should like your company extremely. The advantage is that you won’t need to wriggle considering the others ideas or only in order to be kind.”

At the same time I found this:

• What is an artist? A provincial who finds himself somewhere between a physical reality and a metaphysical one.... It’s this in-between that I’m calling a province, this frontier country between the tangible world and the intangible one — which is really the realm of the artist.
o "Every Time We Say Goodbye" in Sight and Sound [London] ( June 1991)
• There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life. o Fellini on Fellini (1976) edited by Anna Keel and Christian Strich; translated by Isabel Quigly.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Federico_Fellini

Then I was trying to find something more on the net for Fellini and accidentally found another person’s website and autobiography - Natalie d'Arbeloff’s one. And here the law of synchronicity worked and I found this:

“...It seems that relationships come as temporary interruptions to the monologue that one carries on all one's life. We dialogue for a while, lose our self-interest to become interested in someone else but after a while we grow tired of this, and bored, and long to be free to get back to our monologue. Perhaps we begin to resent this other person who has placed himself between us and our Self. This person who goes on and on talking to us while we just want to be left alone, in peace, left to look at ourselves if we feel like it, or at nothing, or at someone new. But no, the "relationship" is there, demanding recognition. We created it and now are duty-bound to continue it. So maybe that's where enmity comes in. We hate ourselves and the other person for obliging us to be "related". I suppose there are these conflicting instincts in most of us - the desire to be alone and whole - and the desire to be together, shared. How can you conciliate the two?
...Another trap: at times the struggle to "be one's self" seems to be the major issue of existence. The more you think about it the more convinced you become that you should really be devoting your time to "finding yourself" etc. But this is another case of myopia, another instance of looking at the part and not the whole. The real issue is not so much "being one's self" as using one's self: what do you use yourself for? This is the question. Focus on the what, which is outside yourself. “http://

www.nataliedarbeloff.com/autobio15.html

I am not a person that likes to suffer.

Even if I am in a great pain until now I was founding ways to get out from the dark and feel better and better.

The problem is that certain people you meet change you and you don’t know after the change if your reactions will be the same as before.

I had a few moments even today when I was feeling that all is in me, I am in me and God is in me. I was feeling complete, total. But I couldn’t keep the feeling for long.

It looks like I still think that I need something else to feel total and in peace. I know that I don’t need anything, but from knowledge to …. experience there is a long way.

Back from work.

I poured myself a glass of wine.

I had a hard day and I earned it.

I am going to try to enjoy the simple pleasures in life in the next couple of days.

A nice meal after the wine and then may be another drink. May be an interesting book, then early to bed.

I am going to survive, but I wonder what will be the new me next week.

I love My Friend.

Because she is here and she loves me …. unconditionally

And I love her unconditionally

I may never be able to meet her, but I will always love her.

I don’t want to say that I need her, but in very difficult moments of my life in the last two moths she was here and her presence was helping me.

She is like a gift form God I don’t deserve.

Or I deserve her and God knew that I will have these difficult times and send her on purpose.

Today is such a difficult day I her presence helps me.

She gives me hope.

Hope that I am not alone in this world.

I know I am not alone. God is always around, but as my physical body needs sometimes to hug somebody, my soul also needs sometimes to hug somebody and get a hug back.

And it can’t be anybody, it can be only a person I feel close … so close ….

One of the most pitiful things I have seen in this life is somebody to play consciously a role of somebody else.

And when I say somebody else I don’t mean you to show only fractions of your character in order to survive in the society, but I mean somebody you think is better than you, funnier than you, more successful than you, more arrogant than you.

Pity.

There is no way you to be good at something that is not you.

The only point in this life is for you to be you.

The only precious thing about you is you.

Why bother being somebody else?

Why you think you can be better that yourself?

You can get better may be only by knowing yourself and doing what you want to do.

You think it is difficult?

Have faith! Even if you are not sure what you want, you can be sure God knows what you really want. Let him give it to you!

As for some time I practise living in a chaotic, irrational world /I don’t trust the rationality/ and must take myself as a chaotic, irrational female subject with unestablished characteristics. I.e. I don’t know who I am.

I think I am on the right way though, no matter how absurd is this statement. As some ancient wise men said “Know thyself”, they obviously have taken that a man doesn’t know who he is. Another ancient man of wisdom said: “I know that I don’ know anything” and he must have known that he knows nothing for himself too.

If somebody is scared to know nothing, he must not enter the deep waters of ignorance, but he must know that what he “knows” is limited and illusionary to a great extend. It is an interpretation of our rational part, which is only a half of the truth, and I would say not the better one.

So what is the problem if one doesn’t know who he is? It is simple – he doesn’t know what he thinks on certain issues and sometimes he doesn’t know what he even feels.

When you have clear knowledge of your Self, you know what you hate and what you love and your logic goes from avoiding the things you hate to attaching to the things you love. I have a problem with this from the moment I was born as I can’t remember hating anything. So, instead of following a straight line in my behavior I hop like the hopping radio frequencies.

It is true that I have things that I like and I look for them, and there are things I dislike and I try to avoid them. But the problem with the things I like is that they can’t be liked for long. I.e. I attach with difficulties and that’s why I roam as an idle electron … not so much in reality, as I often walk on fixed routes there, but in my head. But having in mind that everything is in our heads …..

Now, imagine how a normal person feels when I am with him. A normal person would be happy to know that he can count on me, because he can count on my logic of thinking and behavior. Yes, but no. As I haven’t got such a logic a normal person would run away from me, or I could keep him close by deceiving him regarding the freedom of movement in my head.

What will happen if I have not a “normal” person with me, but somebody exactly like me? Neither I can count on his logic of thinking and life, nor can he count on mine. Will it be possible for two of us to communicate or have a relationship, or in opposite – I can have true /of full value/ relationship only with such a person?

I hate to hurt people.

If I want to feel calm and happy I shouldn’t hurt anybody.

But not to hurt anybody, even unconsciously, is difficult.

The only way not to hurt anybody is not to contact anybody.

I am not a monk, not a saint ….. so, I guess I should accept the fact that I will hurt sometimes somebody and I shouldn’t feel like I am in Hell because of that.

Yesterday (it was working day here) was the first day at school for my daughter.

Great day! ... For her.

I was a bit disappointed that the children in her class didn't look to me very .... clever, but .... I shouldn't have great expectations. My classmates in the first years at school were nothing special.

The important thing is that she likes the school.

I was struggling a bit to match my dreams about life and the life in reality .. again.

I saw My Friend writing about the unconditional love.

I've been thinking about it the last few days as well. Another coincidence ... that is not coincidence

Unfortunately I must work hard today. I lost too many days at work, and now I must work at home for a while to catch up.

The world is perfect because there is love.
Love in our hearts
Love in the plants
Love in the animals
Love is all around

Love is the energy of life
We are energy
We are love
We are perfect

Feel it!