There are many things I can control in my life, but I can’t control my feelings about somebody.
I know that I shouldn’t try artificially, because if you suppress something consciously it stays somewhere there in your sub consciousness and in a certain moment of time it will come up. Or it will work slowly but surely on your consciousness.
So, when trying not to control it I see that I can’t stop loving somebody I should only accept that. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I should change something in my life, but I should just … love.
The strangest thing is that he feels the same.
He said yesterday he wished I don’t love him.
I was thinking about the same thing last couple of weeks. I wish he did not love me. In this case I would be able to forget him and go on with my life the way it is, even feeling that there is an empty spot in it.
But, nooooo. It shouldn’t be so easy … obviously. It should be hard. Hard for him and hard for me.
And no idea what will happen at the end.
Two weeks ago I thought I know what I want. Now I don’t know and I won’t know soon. Now I know what I want at the moment, but I don’t know how long this moment will last.
I really wish something to happen that will change everything naturally. But I am asking too much. I am asking to be easy.
It will be hard, but is there anything else I can do except … accepting it?
May be I only could try to enjoy the moment … together with its hardness. 
