A flute of reed

The day is continuously dying.

I take off the surplus of emotions,

Philosophies, hopes and dreams,

I clear out the ruins

Taken down by stormy winds.

The tempest in my soul is hushed

But gathers strength for a new gust

So feared before

And so needed for tomorrow.

I am alive, I stand the pain

And try to derive joy of the sadness.

Happiness is not an aim,

But my road, my walk in darkness

I am not crying …

I am not crying in the rain …

I was going to think more today, but I gave up. I felt free.

Thinking is meaningless and harmful job. As if somebody can invent something. No, one can’t invent anything new.

All have been already invented. We are left only to live and be aware. NOW.

Because the time is illusion. There is no time.

Love often is also an illusion. There is no love of yesterday, no love of tomorrow, there is only the love now.

The state of awareness of yourself and the relation with the other one.

The moment now in which you are open for everything and everything is new. Love is always new.

There is no moment that is the same like the previous, not a shade that is the same.

I am silent.

I have no past, no future. All is interpretations of my mind.

It will be better if I get rid of my mind. The thinker and the aware one should die.

Death is a lonely business, but sweet … and liberating. I am not here.

There is nothing here.

What should I do now, then?

Live and play may be!

I think that there are periods in our life in which we turn inside and investigate ourselves and then we turn outside and … love.

Love is about giving, isn’t it?

And about taking.

You want to give yourself to somebody and you want to take his … presence, his smell, his thoughts …

The point of turning inside is to see what we actually have. If we don’t believe we have something inside us that we can give, will we be able to give? Will we be able to love?

So I have two choices.

to live my life to the full.

to do the things I love to do. To love the people I love or

to become an enlighten meditator.

I love to love, so ... may be I will never be a meditator.

I was thinking about something this morning.

It could be really stupid, but let me say it.

I thought that if you can live you life to the full, you should live your life to the full in every moment. If there is something in the environment that impedes you living your life – you are forced to live in a situation you hardly stand, but there is nothing you can do about it in the moment – then you need to become an enlighten meditator.

I am a kind person.

I am sometimes the kindest person of the world.

But I am the kindest with the people I can't stand at all.

To the people I love I am sometimes rude ... very rude ...

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

I undress myself with words

Slowly,

That’s the way you like it.

I don’t know what you expect,

But I’m not ashamed a bit.

I am not perfect, I know,

My soul is not of an Angel –

Just an ordinary man,

Full of faults

And disaffections.

But isn’t it

The challenge

In its entireness?

To love the Devil in me!

What if the loved

Darkness

Starts to shine?

I will dance for you,

Then I will take some stars down

To decorate your room.

I will bring along the Moon,

/She is my friend/

If I know you’ll have fun.

I would sing a song for you

Or turn into a cradle

If I know you will be glad.

I will change or I will be myself

Depending on your mood.

I want you to be happy

So much

That I don’t know what to do …

Interesting.

If we don’t set the Devil in as

free,

will we be able to set the Angel

free?

And if we set both of them

free,

wouldn’t they be able

to pull up our Higher Self

from the very depths of our Soul

into the consciousness

in front?

...

I think Jung was telling the awareness of the opposites leads to transcendence.

Today my multiple personality

Is in a relative peace.

The Angel and the Devil in me

And all their men

Are at the negotiation table.

The atmosphere is calm

A spirit of cooperation and

Understanding

Is flying around

Tops up the cups of coffee

Passes milk, sweeties and tea.

The issue with the Devil’s strike

Will be soon resolved

With no more prevarications and lies.

P.S. I mention strike, because the teachers in my country are on strike for about a month now. Can you believe it? I think they went too far. My mother is taking care of my daughter at her home now. My daughter wants to go to school, but she can't. Geeee ...

As if they can tell me,

Those little folks,

What is right

And what is wrong.

Leave me alone, please!

Be so kind and leave me

To shatter my head

To brake my legs

To cut my arms

To be smashed all over

And even if I die

Let me do it on my own

Let me find the way out

Of my own prison

Let me call Death myself,

Not the fear or

The sense of inferiority

In front of you

Little foxy folks

….

I won’t see you in “Heaven”

Because I will die in repose!

I few words about Veronika decides to die:

I haven’t read all the Coelho’s books, but I assume this is the best one.

It is written in a good way. There are some funny circumstances there and there is a great wisdom reduced to simple words that everybody can comprehend.

I think that this is the big advantage of Coelho’s books - he manages to say many truths that may take you a lifetime to understand in a few sentences. Of course, you won’t understand them if you haven’t been through most of it, but there is always something very small you may have missed. Or you may have not been sure if you were at the right guess.

His appeal here is simple: “Live!”

But, God, how much time it may take you to understand that you should live your life your way.

Even I found out that there are still things I take for granted from the society. Even I tend to judge myself and my friends according to the “public opinion”. Am I not stupid?

OK, it is not exactly “public opinion” and it is not that conscious, I mean I still have some inheritance from what my parents or my teachers thought me.

I am not easy to be taught. I like to check things myself. But still there are things I must have taken form others. Wrong! Very wrong!

I know that I have been doing things that “normal” people would consider “bad”, “vicious” or ‘sinful” and I never regret, but I may still have some senses of guilt deeply buried in me.

I am going to get rid of such things once and for all.

As My Friend used to say:

One

Two

Three

Hop!

By the way I am reading "Veronika decides to die". Mmmmmm nice book.

I have achieved it today.

The nothinking.

I only watched.

I watched horses of clouds to run towards the mountain under clouds of clouds hiding them from the sun.

This morning I missed the sun rising, but there must have not been too much to be seen. When there is no sun there is not much to be seen anyway.

I love the light. Yesterday evening I found out that there is not even one lamp that is not switched on at home and there is not even one that is less than 100 W.

I hate low light no matter how romantic it could seem to somebody.

So, I was saying that I was not thinking today.

I am going back to the state of harmony form the end of last and beginning of this year. Nothing special happened. Everything is as perplexed as it was yesterday or a month ago, but my consciousness is in different state. Why and How I don’t ask, the result is important and the questions may only spoil everything.

A while ago I even had an imaginary conversation with ….. let’s call it my Harmony:

- Oh, Hello! Where have you been all this summer?

- Well. I left you alone for a while. To see how you will manage without me.

- So, How I managed?

- Not too bad, not too bad. It could have been better, but it could have been much worse. You know that without me you are like a timebomb?

- I know. Why you don’t stand with me all the time?

- Because you will stop developing. Now I am again with you, but we speak at a higer level.

- Oh, really? I can’t feel it.

- Never mind. It is not necessary to feel it. It is still early. You will see …

Today I am in a dancing mood.

You know that song:

“To the left to the right
Step it up step it up its all right
To the left to the right
Check the new ride out its all right”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R4FsV1qLCE

I am dancing on my seat on this song.

Nothing in my mind.

Only a smile in my mind.

I noticed the sun rising today.

It was very red in the beginning, then it got orange and now it is light violet and light purple. I love purple

I am safe today.

I don't know if it is the Safety of the Net or just the Safety of Myself, but I am safe.

Yesterday I was a bit nervous, not only because I was wondering what to do, but also because I caught a cold and I hate to be ill.

I am still not that well, but I am sure I will find what to do today and I will be same old me, same old me

Let me surf the net for a while and then we will see ...

It’s just one of those days I feel like I will explode.

I have nothing to concentrate on. I haven’t got enough work; I haven’t got new projects to work on. I am stuck. And I am going crazy.

I must find a way to make use of this energy I have. I just waste it now.

The journey to myself. That’s the journey. There is no other journey. All around me are only signs, stones or rocks that serve only to orientate me.

Even if I go to the end of the world, what’s the difference it will make if the flora and fauna are different – the interpreter will be one and the same, me, isn’t it? I will go, see, win and … so what?

If I have problems with me I will take them with me even if I am in Space.

New landscapes and unstudied paths are not tempting. The digging into my soul is tempting.

Besides there are not many surprises outside. I can envisage the words and even their order. If they cannot surprise me why not to try to surprise myself?

They are blessed. I believe in that and I envy them a bit. It is so good when you are clear with your life. Even if something happens, they say “Well”, “Fate” or something and they go on not thinking.

Before I wanted to dig in their souls. I dig. I gave up.

Not that my soul is the most interesting. I get bored with myself. I know many things about me now. Rarely someone provokes reactions I don’t expect.

I want to find something new. How long this could take?

What is so interesting about me, actually?

May be I should put myself in nonstandard situations. Where? When? Who with?

Is there any sense?

Do I change?

Sometimes I think, yes.

Or it is not a change, but only awareness.

How long I should aware myself?

Shall I give up?

As if I can.

As I friend of mine says – there is no hope for me. /in sense I can’t ever go back to the blessed happy unconscious people/.

What about love? Where is its place?

It provokes the biggest cataclysms. It moves layers, volcano erupt and the lava covers old ideas and conceptions about life.
Sometimes it lulls our attention and stops our journey to ourselves as we start living for another person …

What if this is the salvation? A life for someone else in order to get rid of ourselves?

Can I do that? Until when?

Isn’t it always lonely the warrior’s path? What if it is? Why not a path of two lonely warriors?

At the end of the day if the path has no heart there is no sense. But the heart looks for another heart ….

And why Einstein says something like:”Man starts to live when he becomes able to live out of himself.”?

Today I read for X, Y and Z generations
for baby boom, MTV, Internet
lost people
rhythms of
unraveling, crisis,
heights and awakenings,
for the cycles in which
the wheel turns.

So, whosе fault it is
that I am born in a period of
Awakening,
I’ve been grown in times of
Unraveling
And now I am in Crisis?

It’s not enough that my age
is at a turning point,
but the historical cycle
is of upheaval too.

I hope I will survive
till the height of
my old age
and I won’t be lost
on the way of
MTV, Internet or
the silence …

Yes, I don’t understand why people think that there is more depth in negativity.

My Friend is right that if I buy a piece of art I would like it to be made by person being happy and his happiness could touch me and make me feel good.

Why I would admire people’s madness and grief?

When I go through a difficult moment in my life I would rather be silent. I hate to explain people how bad I feel. Sometimes I do tell people I feel bad, but just for information and that’s it.

There were times in the past when people couldn’t see hope for the future. Their future, humanity future. The so called generation X, for example.

This is old-fashioned now I think.

Always there is a hope.

You can always do your best to make your life better.

If there are no people of your kind around you, you can read books and look into yourself. You can enjoy life here and now.

Still, if we don’t suffer we don’t think we should change something. So suffering is good. So, may be it is not that bad to express your suffering somehow …. Someone may recognize himself in you and feel not so alone.

I was very communicative lately.

I have been talking to a friend living in Spain the other day.

Yesterday I have been talking to a very nice man – a journalist and traveler. He writes very interesting texts and he likes mine. He is always wondering how I can write so much, but we decided together that it is because I have emptiness I fill in this way. If I had a spiritual relationship with the man I live with may be I wouldn’t need to write so much.

Actually I am not so sure about that.

I am not sure why people think that a writer should be so much in pain and suffering in order to create a genius poem or novel.

Don’t people create pieces of art when they are happy?

I don't know about the global warming, but today is the first sunny day for a week.

Great! I love sun.

I deffinitely feel much better when the sun is around.

At the same time the morning was freezing. So if I was a may-fly I would feel a global freezing and a global warming in my one day life today.

I wonder sometimes if we are better than a may-flies.

So what if we are more conscoius if we don't work on it. On our cousciousness.

We are born, we grow, we reproduce, we die. So what?

To stop and dig in one thought is sometimes too boring.

It is much easier if you let you thoughts come and go and don’t try to keep them.

The problem is that if I write down all that is passing through my head it appears to be too incoherent.

But could the incoherency be a problem?

Can we put everything in order?

Where we could find energy?

Chaos is here. We can’t get rid of it.

So the chaos in our heads is may be close to the initial chaos of Universe.

Or it is just close to the unconsciousness.

Could ‘it be close to the supercounsciousness?

/today I wrote an incoherent post in the other blog, but as it is incoherent anyway if I put it in English it will become terrible /

I am almost stable today.

The world is in order.

In order as per my understanding, of course.

The people I care about seem to be fine.

I directed the burning stuff inside me in something I wrote in the other blog – I wrote that there is so much falseness all over and if we don’t speak in economical or political terms, in social terms, for example, many people in our country have extramarital relations, but do their best to keep their family instead of getting divorced. And I wondered why that is. Now I expect comments.

I don’t know why I am getting so provocative lately.

May be I think I have a mission in life to provoke people and try making them think on different subjects. )))

As if they don’t think anyway ….

May be I just need a meaningful project on which I can work instead of blogging, but as I haven’t got such a project now, I enjoy myself in this way

My friend mentioned “details” today and I thought how I treat details.

I don’t care about details unless it is the detail which is overspilling the glass /or how they call it in English …./

As a whole I care about fundamental things in life. I think about all my life at once, not about my day, for example. I often think about the Space, the Universe, the humankind, the Love, the Truth … things like that.

And in a relationship sometimes I may get irritated by a detail, but I forget it if not the next 10 minutes, definitely the next day.

A don’t want to be bothered with details. I sometimes hate to think what I shall cook for dinner when I am writing a poem in my mind. I hate to think shall I buy a new blouse, or I shall keep the money for something else.

I am not good for a job that requires attention to the details. I am not patient enough. I am terrible with the details.

So, am I megalomaniac then?

Oooohhhh, my thoughts are like flies in my mind. I can't catch even one to investigate in details.

And I am neither happy, nor unhappy, but I am definitely unstable at this moment although you can't say that if you see me.

I look stable and calm as a stone.

But inside I burn like a rocket fuel.

Let's see how is in space ...

The truth is I have been in love with life for some time.

I was waking up and feeling wonderful.

I was noticing the sun raising, the wind, the blue sky, the sun set.

I was writing poems about what I was seeing and I was feeling satisfied and happy.

It was for a while, a short while may be, but I was thinking at that time I have everything I wanted in this life – a husband, a child, a house, a nice job, some friends, some books, some time for myself.

I thought I am going to live my life in this way.

There was only one hesitation I had one day. It was something like: “OK. If I have everything what shall I fight for in future, what shall I strive for? Am I not going to be bored one day? What I am doing of any use, except taking care of a man and a child /not that this is a small job/?

I got rid of these thoughts for the moment, but then …. then it happened. I fell in love and this changed all my life. This changed my personality and my thoughts and feeling about the world.

It was a catharsis and although it came with lots of pain and no matter what will happen in the end I am grateful for this love. It definitely makes me feel alive.

If it is gone one day I will survive …. although I am not sure if I will live or I will only exist.

Some say you live a true life only when you die of love.

Could they be right?

Let me tell you about the party, the day before.

Nothing. I felt nothing but some relaxing, but it was meaningless relax.

I can relax that way at home.

I had some nice time talking to myself (in my mind) in the car and then swimming in the pool, but as for human contact - nothing, absolutely nothing.

I was reading in My Friend's blog the other day and as she mentions Carl Jung I decided to have a look in the net about him. I found something that I met earlier this year and I was very impressed:

"Filling the conscious mind with ideal conceptions is a characteristic of Western theosophy, but not the confrontation with the shadow and the world of darkness. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
"The Philosophical Tree" (1945). In CW 13: Alchemical Studies. P.335

http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/shadow.htm

I was impressed obviously, because I was interested in the theosophy before, but it was not giving me enough ... I guess ...

And because my beloved was always interested in his shadow, and other peoples's shadows and he is much more conscious than me on that matter.

Real Life

I am going to go into the Real Life now.

I am going to travel … for 3, 4 hours.

I like to travel.

The landscape flying behind the window looks very much like the thoughts flying in my head.

And even if there are people in the car I don’t need to talk to them all the time. That’s great.

I am going to travel with my colleagues. It is something that the western people call now “team-building”, but we call it “celebration of the good work done out of the town”.

The first and the second time we did it were great because it was something new and it was raining in the evening and we danced in the rain ….

Now I am not so excited about it, because it starts to repeat itself and the people repeat themselves.

There is only one person I can call “a man that is able to think and has a soul” and I like to talk to. The rest are absolutely uninteresting. If I isolate myself for some time and then if I am able to chat with him for a while it will be good.

I wonder sometimes – shall I stay here, in this company?

I know I can’t find much better place – people are all the same. What is the chance to come across a great guy or girl that is at my wavelength?

So, all is in me and it doesn’t matter who is around. Or it does?

I don’t know yet for sure ….

If it was not for how to earn money for living I would have had choice and I would have chosen something else probably. But it is a matter of earning money and I am already a bit old to start from the beginning.

Or I am too lazy and not ambitious …