A flute of reed

I had that feeling today.

I felt happy and there was not a single reason.

"EVIL means Energy VEIL."

From last week I feel much, much better.

I am back I my completeness and no thoughts or feelings contaminate the feeling of my true Self.

Haha, actually I still have no idea which is my True Self, but when I am calm and reasonable I am closer to it than in the cases I have …. feelings or obsessive thoughts.

Have I told you that the best thing about the strong feelings is … when you lose them … There people that are addicted to the strong feelings, but not me. How can I be addicted to something I surely know will not last for long?

The point now is what can last for long.

I need to find out that.

This night

The snow fell

To the sky.

I saw steps

Along the Moon Lake.

Was it Yeti

Or a Star Man

I didn’t see.

I was busy

Counting the seeds

I was scattering

In the children’s

And snow fairies'

Dreams.

OK. I may not be able to write here in the next days too, but ... I am keeping an eye on you!

Be positive and be happy!

Remember everything is in our minds!

Hugs, kisses and a wish you wonderful November days.

Get prepared for the best month of the year - December! /not only because I was born in December ... I just like this month - for the Christmas, all the other holidays and the bright and shiny sunny snowy days /I hope God will give us more of this kind/.

It seems to me that the younger I was the more I was thinking about other people around me and I was trying to please them.

The older I get I am more and more interested in me. More egocentric.

It this selfish and bad?

I don't think so.

I must live my life!!!

I shouldn't live other's people lives.

Even if I am going to hurt them by doing that.

If I try not to hurt anybody I won't live my life.

So, I must be a bad girl sometimes.

/I keep repeating this to myself, because it is a new idea I have and I need time and exercises to put it into action./

This world is unbearable.

The only thing we can do is … to bear it.

A very difficult task. Some fail at the first exams. Then others like Bukowski say:

 

the best often die by their own hand

just to get away,

and those left behind

can never quite understand

why anybody

would ever want to

get away 

from 

them

 

I understand Bukowski, but still there should be something you to stay here for. There should be somebody not able to lose that is left.

The reality seems to me like a plasticine – a quantum plasticine.

Before I used to see it like a quantum soup, but soup is too chaotic and it is a fluid.

It is clear that there are fluids running all over, but the influence on the plasticine reality is not that easy, especially for people like me that lack patience – it needs tenacity, pressure and certain skills.

As for the pressure, I still have some unsolved conflicts in me. I always wanted everything to be solved at a glance.    

I don’t like violence, but lately I started to understand that the world is going forward because of it.

The passive, so called “good” and “humble” could only hold the position that was conquered by the active “evil”.

The evolution is actually the interaction between the one and the other:  good and bad, active and passive,  violence and kindness,  male and female, etc. The struggle between the opposites that attract each other. Why they attract each other? What is this force that pulls them together?

A sort of magnetism?

Or just love?

Would anybody do something in this world if it is not for the sake of love?

 

 

 

 

I read today about the Knights Templar device. It was something like: To get to self-knowledge through compassion.

I read also that "Humbleness is freedom and it starts from the self-knowledge."

Very interesting!

I should think about this today.

/Bow is expression of humbleness ... he said /

Yesterday about a hundred visitors read my blog.

Wow, how this happens?

I can't believe it!

Is it because of the tags? I put a tag "love" yesterday.

I must do some investigation if the number of the visitors depends on the tags used or not.

It is strange, because I don't have much friends and I don't read and comment other blogs as it is hard for me doing it in English and I haven't got enough time. /My English friend said my English is getting better although I still do some mistakes like putting extra "The" here and there./

So, how the Hell people find my blog and read it?

I have no idea.

Still, have a nice day, all of you found this from nowhere and read it!

The fog hid away the horizon

And I got the feeling I am home.

Today the wind is friendly,

He is lost somewhere – it is warm.

The playful sparkles in the eyes

Turn the atmosphere conditions round

And the light shines from everywhere.

The one, who stands in darkness

Is lazy, let's brace ourselves up,

Say the words and create the world.

Let there be … love.

The life.

I must uncover it,

Dismember it to pieces,

See it under the microscope

And then reject it in whole.

Only then

I will be either dead

Together with it,

Or I will live something

But I won’t care

What …

....
I feel a pervert pleasure to be dark these days. I am dark and I laugh at the same time.

An evil laugh of a demon of darkness initiated into an ancient secret.

I know I could be an Angel, but I don’t care what I am. The point is what I can do.

The important thing is I am not one. I am always at least two. The Demon and the Observer or the Angel and the Observer, at least.

I can’t get rid of the Observer, but he is a Saver too.

Otherwise I will start to believe myself.

I will start to believe in the Illusion-Life.

I will start to believe in the human love.

I will start to believe in the meaning.

Blessed the ones who believe.

But where is the place of the unbeliever?

I can’t go to Hell. Hell is here.

I can only go to the Heaven.

Is it somewhere else, or I am to one to make it again?

I have some dark thoughts today.

As well as I had yesterday, and the other day ...

But the thing is that I enjoy them.

Come on! Can I be shiny and happy every day?

No, I can't.

It's November for Christ's sake.

November is like the Dark Ages for me ...

/and, of course, we will never appreciate the light if there is no darkness.
Thanks Darkness!/

In the light of the absurdity

The dark matter of the emptiness

Draws back in order to yield

To the dusky semi-darkness of the knowledge

And reluctant voice says between its teeth

The word materializing the wishes

Of the shadows in the cave

Unversed not only for the God’s paths,

But for themselves and their purpose,

Stuck in ignorance and waiting

Certain absolution of their deeds

And thoughts, and feelings, thrills,

Impulses to the unknown destination,

And the humble and the gentle one is gone,

His inhabitation is a secret

For those who seek outside themselves,

Repentant and begging for mercy –

Funny in their naive believes …

I don’t know why many people want to have a meaning. They even need to be of meaning and significance for many people, i.e. they want to be multisignificant. Also they want to be respected.

At the same time these people fear the emptiness.

What is wrong with the emptiness?

Before this Universe to appear, it was empty in the pre-universe. Or at least I can guess that, as I can’t be sure.

For me, I know that I don’t feel so bad when I feel empty. I could feel worse if I am full with something. I could be even full of love to somebody and still feeling bad, I could be full of boredom, or …disgust … or nerves.

The emptiness hides the potential for everything. In every next moment something could appear.

What it would be?

I don’t know.

But I expect.

Everything is in the expectation.

That’s where the thrill is.

There is no thrill in the “knowledge”. There is thrill in the “ignorance”, because I am yet to begin studying.

I am impatient and excited to start studying.

When I “know”, I am fed up. I am not interested in what I already know. It’s an end. Finished.

But there are so many things I don’t know. Isn’t it nice?

Isn’t the emptiness beautiful?

OK, let me tell you a story today.

I apologize to My Friend that it is again about a man, but I hope it will be a bit funny.

So, I mentioned here that I am back in a forum about esotericism and different spiritual teachings and I went back there only to have fun.

I post topics there from time to time and I argue sometimes with a man who is an old opponent of mine.

I don’t want to describe him in details now, let’s say that he is one of those with the “very competent and logic opinions” and knows recipes for all people’s self delusions. He is always talking about all people leaving in a dream and he is trying to hint that he is already out of his dream and he is conscious.

What I do is I sometimes argue with him, sometimes I pretend I don’t notice him, and sometimes I even flirt with him, only because I know he is very sensitive to what I say and he is very easy to be offended no matter how strongly he pretends he doesn’t care.

I had the chance to meet and talk to him face to face several times and I think I know what his problem is – he has sort of a blockage in his heart, and he tries to perceive the world only by his brain, not by his heart, but it doesn’t work.

So, yesterday I posted two neutral comments, and then a fragments from Rumi’s poems that ended with the following:

“Sufi is a child of NOW.
Not even one of those who are on the ROAD
ever says “tomorrow”.

Only in two hours time he posted a comment titled: “I AM NOW” …../ I hate his capital letters, because it net’s language it is shouting/

At the same time recently he was giving me indirect messages in his comments that I am living my life playing games, thinking that all play games and not being able to see the game from aside.

So, I thought about him living “now”, remembering what he was last year and hardly said to him that if somebody is repeating something to himself as a mantra, it means he is not sure that it is true – we don’t even notice the obvious things about ourselves and we have no need to confirm them by saying them.

Then I thought to do something else.

And I came up with the following text I posted in the forum:

“I am the Queen of the Self Delusions. Yes.

Things like: “Everything is alright”; “I am calm, very calm.”; “I am happy, very happy”, “I don’t care, I really don’t care”, “I hate him, I really hate him” … and similar mantras are my second nature. I start the mantra and repeat it, repeat it, repeat it …. and at the end of the day I become an enlightened, staring to the nowhere and slowly chewing cow and I am ready.

I am staring, staring to the nowhere, chewing and shining, chewing and shining and finally I get pissed off and I get back to the moment before the mantra and start asking myself: “Is everything alright?”; Am I really calm?”; “Am I really happy?”; “Don’t I really care?”; “Do I hate him?” … and then I shut off.

OK, is there a way for me not to be a cow and not to shut off?

There are some other variants. For example just in the middle of repeating the mantra: “I am calm, I am very calm”, my daughter drops the ketchup on my new carpet and I am almost ready to throw her through the window.

Or just in the middle of repeating the mantra: “I hate him, I hate him”, he calls me to tell me in an innocent voice in what trouble he got into again and I am almost ready to cry …. because I hate him, of course, not because I love him.

What the hell I am doing with these mantras?

Still there is something useful about them. I became very sensitive to people that delude themselves the same way I do it.

Once I hear somebody saying loudly, thinking /there are people you can easily read their mind, you know, you can even easily read their thoughts behind the lines, the thoughts even they are not aware about, because they are afraid to look deep into themselves/ or writing something similar to my mantras and I know that there is something wrong and I can rate them of level of self delusion.

Until recently I had high level of self delusion, but it is falling down now. I dream of the moment I’ll get the lowest rate of self delusion. I am somewhere in the middle now. I know only one man that is at the lowest level and he is my idol.”

P.S. Don’t take the above words too seriously – they are written to carry out certain message to a certain person. There is only a certain percentage of truth in them. I am only provoking this guy and I want to see his reply. … If there will be any.

I was watching this today:

I had nothing to say today.

Absolutely nothing.

I think this is good.

May be I was happy /"Happy people have no stories" was the song OldNick posted the other day/.

May be I am still happy.

OK, OK, if not happy I was at least silent ...

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I�ve got no Soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy.

I was angry about something yesterday

I can’t remember what it was all about

It doesn’t matter, I will remember some day,

But not today, not today.

Let it be a new day.

Let me throw back the burden of time

Let my way is not outlined

In the land of the infinite opportunities

Remind me; remind me what you have wished

I will touch some strings … of the Universe

And everything will come true.

I know I can’t wish for myself

But I can for you,

Sill don’t forget,

In the notime

Everything

Has a different sense.

I had a small argument yesterday. A small fight.

I don't feel sorry.

I don't feel ashamed of me or something.

I used to avoid arguments before.

I preferred the atmosphere to be calm even if not entirely honest.

But some time ago I asked myself the question: Do I love myself enough?

If I did before, why I was letting other people go with their intentions and deeds and I was not trying to stand my point. I thought I will be alright in any case, so why to bother taking care of myself, when I can leave people weaker than me to have what they want.

I am not sure that was a good idea.

I should stand my point and not care so much about others. I don't help them by taking care of them. I make them dependent on me.

I don't want anybody to depend on me ... except my daughter in these early ages.

But why some people think their happiness depends on me?

Can I teach them somehow that all they need to feel happy is in themselves?

May be I should make sure first I love myself and I stand my point, and then think about them, actually.

My Friend makes me happy.

I am sure she teaches me different stuff, but most important is that she makes me happy.

There is nobody else I can have such fun playing around with life (life is not only what is happening to you in reality, life is your internal psyche life), words and with what we are.

She inspires me.

I can't be inspired every day, I guess, I have my lessons to learn, she has hers, but the feeling that I have a soul mate - somebody that doesn't know me, but feels me and the opposite is mmmmmm great!

Basically I think I am absolutely unsuitable of being married.

At the same time I can’t live on my own.

That’s why I wanted to have a child.

I had the child and I love her so much, but she came with a man I wanted by that time and I thought I can live with, but …. I dunno now, things change.

Fortunately I don’t see him much at home, so I live like on my own.

But it is not on my own, because I should consider him. I can’t go out with other men (if I want to, because I used to want before, not now).

I can do all the rest I want to do for the money I can afford to spend. So, it is not that bad.

Bad is that I can’t talk to him. The things that I am interested in and the things he is interested in have no cross points. The question is: how can I grow old with such a man next to me?

Not that I can’t, but … is it worth trying?

Of course, he doesn’t stop me reading and writing which are my favorite things to do now, but ….

As I said before, unfortunately, it is not matter only on my wishes, but on my daughter and on money . So … I better continue living that way ….. until a miracle happens and I can change it …

Miracles still happen, you know …

And of course, not that material things in life matter so much … my spirit is free to go where it wants and it does it

Here is what I wrote today:

Pieces

Pieces of dreams
Images of books
Pictures of reality
Are mixed up in my head
I think about the parallelness
Of the Universe
Everything turns
In slow cadence
I feel like a piece of meat
Not my body
My soul
Actually both
Alas they are connected
In this life
And sometimes
I long so much
For the parting

OK. OK. I left people with the impression I am so much in this men bussines.

Believe me - I am not.

I am so fed up with men.

But at the same time most of the women are soooooo boring most of the time.

Of course I am OK when I am on my own, but sometimes I get bored with myself too.

I need something to provoke me, something to direct my chaotic thoughts.

The other day I bought 5 books and all of them are so interesting I wonder where to start.

I started one of them, which is from an author who lived 4 years in Indian Tibet and even stayed in a monastery.

Wow what a book he wrote ... he is joking with the hardheaded spiritual leaders and monks. He says that what monks do all of the time is to grind and then to argue.

He created something like a magical realm in his book - animals have thoughts, people are like animals sometimes ... but in between the absurd portraits he gives great pure truths about the pure spirituality.

Here is what I found about him in English:

Nikolai Lachezarov GROZDINSKI (fiction writer, Bulgaria; b. 1973, Sofia) is part-time lecturer in Tibetan language, history, and culture at the New Bulgarian University. He holds the diploma in musical composition from the Berklee College of Music in Boston. His collection of short stories Lives of Idle Men and Lost Mystics , a bestseller, received a grant for a first publication from the Open Society Book Program in 2000; a novel, To Have a Nap on the Lap of the Great Sameness is in process of publication. The State Department is supporting his participation in the program. His name is pronounced [NEE koh LAI lah CHEZ a rof gorz DEEN skee].

So, I read "To Have a Nap on the Lap of the Great Sameness" which was published in 2001.

After the big withdrawal in the summer, recently I started to communicate with more people.

The big withdrawal was, of course, because I was in love (I can’t say that I don’t love him now, but it is not the same feeling and I have no plans now). Isn’t it strange how we tend to forget all our friends when we are in love and we want to see and talk only to the person we are in love with?

The first thing I must say about communicating now, and as may be always have been, is that I prefer men. …. And men prefer me, I guess.

I have only one girl best friend in RL and one here. There are two women in the other blog site I like a lot, but I am not telling them more than a sentence or two a day (if they have posted something) and I don’t think I would go further.

One of the men I am talking lately is a painter that I “know” virtually for about year. He started writing comments as anonymous and he still is officially anonymous, but I managed to wring out some personal information.

I know he is married and has two children, I know his name and where he lives and I saw some of his paintings on internet. One of them was inspired by me and I like it a lot

For a period of time we were platonically in love with each other. He said once he would prefer a platonic love and having in mind we are both married, that was an interesting experience I was happy to try. But one day he mentioned something about what will happen if our souls (being in love) pull together our bodies. And I grabbed the idea and tried to make him tell me more details about himself, as by that time I knew almost nothing. I knew I could be disappointed but I dreamed to see him. And he …. stepped back and was silent for some time.

I decided that I am disappointed and I continued talking to other people and at some point my so called “beloved” appeared. I think the painter found out I am in love with somebody else and stayed silent for long.

But for some time now he is back and he has more time to talk (write actually) and we talk a lot again.

There are two other men that like me and write me messages. One of them made me two compliments today. Wow … I must step back.

So, that’s how my teenager’s diary looked like 20 years ago.

Men, men, men …. I haven’t changed a bit

OK. Let me tell you about my writing.

I started writing diaries when I was 16 years old. I was writing in a notebook (made of paper ) then. I was writing mostly about the boys I liked or I thought I was in love with, then about my girlfriends and at the end some thoughts about life in general.

I was doing this for 4 – 5 years. I still keep the notebooks somewhere here.

These were silly writings, but the fact is that I needed to write by that time. From the girls I knew then only my best friend tried to keep a diary, but I am sure she didn’t write as much as I did.

After this period of time I went into the university and I had no time to write. I had a lot of other things to do.

I can’t remember if I tried writing poems by the time I was writing in my diary at school, but I remember trying when I graduated and start working in the company I work now.
I have not been trying seriously, because I thought I am absolutely ignorant on these matters – I am an engineer at the end of the day. Literature was my least favorite subject at school.

But it is not about literature so much …. you can’t graduate to be a poet …. you are a poet or you are not. I can’t say now I am a poet, but I don’t care about these things now – if I want to write something, if it is coming from my heart I just to it and I don’t care how it will be called.

So, after I started working, again there was a period of time in which I had no time for writing, I was experiencing life, I was going out with boys and so on, so on … There wasn’t internet yet.

After I got married I was busy for 3, 4 years with my daughter and there was almost nothing else I was interested in.

But the kids grow and you start to look for other points of interest … and that’s how I started surfing in internet. Initially interested only in esoteric.

At the beginning I was only reading books. (I have been always reading books), then I started to write in a forum. I fount it easy, inspiring and funny. I found out again how much I like to write. Although I thought I am not able to write, I wanted to write.

And then I saw that the other people are even worse than me. They can’t joke, and then can’t open their hearts and try to say what they really think. I was trying to do this all the time and I was successful I suppose, because there were not so many people like me there. And then I got obsessed.

First with the writing in the forum, then I found out about blogs and I made the first one in June 2006. Since then … every day, dozens times a day I am there and here and I write, and I read, and I write, and I read, and I write … Oh, boy!

Sometimes I even had lots of work to do, but I still keep an eye on the blog – say on every half an hour, sometimes on every 15 minutes.

One of the reasons to start this blog here is, because I couldn’t be honest enough on the other one – once because of stupid anonymous and gossipers, and second because one of my bosses (fortunately a friend of mine) found out about the other blog ….hm, bad, very bad – I can’t post during the working day there.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so obsessed by this blogging (not here so much, but there).

Don’t I have problems to worry about in Real Life?

Haven’t I got enough work to do at work and at home?

Am I thinking too much and will I go crazy if I don’t share some of my thoughts?

Do I need to keep my mind busy with something all the time?

Or my mind is working at too high speed as My Friend says for herself and I use less time to do my job than somebody else and I just spare some time?

Will I feel better if I am overworked and have no time for blogging?

OK. If I think somebody is speaking rubbish shall I tell him what I think?

Before I was sure I must not tell him. That’s his problem. That’s his rubbish.

But now I seem to think differently.

Why not to tell him?

First of all he may decide to re-consider his thoughts;

Second, if he manages to defend himself and I see that it was not rubbish I may learn something new.

Don’t we both gain something in this case?

And also if somebody tells me I speak rubbish I won’t be offended …. I know I speak rubbish most of the time

I am reading a book of Julio Cortázar. I tried to find something on the net to show you what a marvellous writer he is. Here it is:

To dress a shadow

The hardest thing is to surround it, to fix its limit where it fades into the penumbra along its edge. To choose it from among the others, to separate it from the light that all shadows secretly, dangerously, breathe. To begin to dress it casually, not moving too much, not frightening or dissolving it: this is the initial operation where nothingness lies in every move. The inner garments, the transparent corset, the stockings that compose a silky ascent up the thighs. To all these it will consent in momentary ignorance, as if imagining it is playing with another shadow, but suddenly it will become troubled, when the skirt girds its waist and it feels the fingers that button the blouse between its breasts, brushing the neck that rises to disappear in dark flowing water. It will repulse the gesture that seems to crown it with a long blonde wig (that trembling halo around a nonexistent face! And you must work quickly to draw its mouth with cigarette embers, slip on the rings and bracelets that define its hands, as it indecisively resists, its newborn lips murmuring the immemorial lament of one awakening to the world. It will need eyes, which must be made from tears, the shadow completing itself to better resist and negate itself. Hopeless excitement when the same impulse that dressed it, the same thirst that saw it take shape from confused space, to envelop it in a thicket of caresses, begins to undress it, to discover for the first time the shape it vainly strives to conceal with hands and supplications, slowly yielding, to fall with a flash of rings that fills the night with glittering fireflies.

By Julio Cortázar, from Around the Day in Eighty Worlds,
copyright © 1966, 1967, 1974, 1975, 1984 by Julio Cortázar
Translation copyright © 1986 by Thomas Christensen

I found in Wikiquote this: