A flute of reed

I am looking for a place.

I re-arrange books,

Wardrobes,

I open all the cupboards

And then start all over again.

I design catalogues

Following logic –

To know what is where

In perfect tidiness.

Yes, one day there will be an order,

The plan is done.

I only need to find a place

For my dammed love.

 

Sometimes I just want to say Good Morning to the World.
It’s a wonderful sunny and warm morning and even if I still have some bitter-sweet taste in my mouth from all I have done in the last couple of weeks and even if I have unsettled relationship with a close friend I feel good.
It is difficult to feel bad in the late Spring. Only some evenings are … strange, but yesterday I had a drink with my colleagues, then with my husband and his colleagues and I was feeling dizzy and happy at the end.
Tonight even my daughter won’t be here /she is going with my mom to my grandmother’s village/, so there are good chances for me getting really drunk .
No, getting drunk is not the point. The point is to enjoy yourself in the best way you can find. I am not one of these folks that think that life is suffering. Oh, no. I do suffer, but this is deviation from the main stream. Life is fun. And I am going to make it even more fun this summer!

I wonder what we are. Are we what we think, or we are what we feel, or we are what we do?
I can’t imagine a situation in which all our thoughts, feelings and actions are in harmony to happen very often.
No, actually I must admit that there were periods in my life I have been in such a harmony. Only some very small deviations.
For better or worse for more than a year I am in disharmony with some deviations of peaceful moments.
Its not that bad, because I feel alive and this period was very creative.
Only lately I feel additional disharmony in the normal disharmony.
It looks like something will happen.
In the meanwhile I wonder if I have problem in …. trusting and loving somebody.
I don’t let people too close to me, because I have been hurt so many times by people I loved that I can’t do this any more. When I am in love I am too open and too fragile. They can’t sense that and often their thoughts and actions have been hurting me. I wonder if the problem is not actually in me. Why I am hurt? What do I want? Someone to cherish me and try to understand me and not hurt me?
I know I am not perfect and some truths about me may sound bad and may make me feel bad, but if I know he does it for my own good … I will be ok with some pain. But if someone wants to hurt me only for the pain ….
The other problem is I hate someone to try to control or manipulate me and I also hate someone to agree with me all the time and to ask me for every step he wants to make. Where is the golden mean? Why I haven’t met that Golden mean?
So, I need to think about my ability to trust and love …. openly …

some tender words are trying
to come out of my mind
but I can’t stand mawkish, pinky, sticky
declarations of love
and suggestive sighs.
Is this love
to be described
or it is an inexplicable need
for you,
the moments in which
I kiss the world,
the sharing of most inmost insights
for us and the Earth
that is such a Heaven and such a Hell,
the suspicions we are not from this Star
and everything concerning Salvation
that is from the pain
that is from the love itself
coming from the similar imperfections we have
and the chemical ingredient
that is still a secret for the world.

Isn't the world around us reflection of our souls? Of what we actually are?

I am worried that
Love is supposed to change
The person.
To revive him,
Inspire him,
To give him wings.
To illuminate him
In the meaning of
Enlightenment
And in the meaning of light.
To make him a better one.
But what is happening
in reality?

I write out of joy
In the mornings,
Out of sadness
In the evenings
And out of pure madness
at nights.
Can I scream
For a while?
Will I die
If I don’t write?
No, I will die
Of something else,
But it is better
To be silent.
My quiet call
May be is louder.
Come!

I love.
Even my hair bristles up!
I don’t want security.
I want surprise,
Element of tension,
The feelings – cascade;
To suspect your love,
Not to lie on its hands.
Dead calmness
Is not what I need,
Nor yet
imaginary troubles.
The adrenalin
keeps my fire
And that flight in clouds …

I love.
The amalgam of pain
And joy crushes me
And then revives me
With sudden jump
In space.
I breathe.
My feelings breathe.
Sometimes I hate,
But my love comes
In waves and
Floods the ocean.
Scream.
I fall,
I stand ...
Never in peace ...

Rooted,

Sealed in me.

As though part of my soul

Is yours.

As tough

Day after day

We have been

Woven in thoughts,

Senses and

Movements …

As though

In every moment of time

We have been living

Together

For ever

And one …

…

But still

Separated …