A flute of reed

I wonder what we are. Are we what we think, or we are what we feel, or we are what we do?
I can’t imagine a situation in which all our thoughts, feelings and actions are in harmony to happen very often.
No, actually I must admit that there were periods in my life I have been in such a harmony. Only some very small deviations.
For better or worse for more than a year I am in disharmony with some deviations of peaceful moments.
Its not that bad, because I feel alive and this period was very creative.
Only lately I feel additional disharmony in the normal disharmony.
It looks like something will happen.
In the meanwhile I wonder if I have problem in …. trusting and loving somebody.
I don’t let people too close to me, because I have been hurt so many times by people I loved that I can’t do this any more. When I am in love I am too open and too fragile. They can’t sense that and often their thoughts and actions have been hurting me. I wonder if the problem is not actually in me. Why I am hurt? What do I want? Someone to cherish me and try to understand me and not hurt me?
I know I am not perfect and some truths about me may sound bad and may make me feel bad, but if I know he does it for my own good … I will be ok with some pain. But if someone wants to hurt me only for the pain ….
The other problem is I hate someone to try to control or manipulate me and I also hate someone to agree with me all the time and to ask me for every step he wants to make. Where is the golden mean? Why I haven’t met that Golden mean?
So, I need to think about my ability to trust and love …. openly …