A flute of reed

I am stupid

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 07:35:43 +0200

I don't know what I want from this life.

I am nearly 40 and I still can't figure out if I want to live with somebody or if I want to live on my own. I mean with my daughter only.

Being on my own must be boring sometimes, but being with somebody is often damn difficult.

Am I selfish or something? Or I am just too independent and not too many man can handle this.

The good news is that I can live with my daughter on my salary ..... at the age of survival, but still ..... The price of freedom is high.

The bad news is that I am again in a relationship. he is young and cute, but ... do I really need him?

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Daughter’s marriage

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 16:19:28 +0200

Honestly, I am going to forbid my daughter to get married. I strongly hope I won’t have to forbid her as she will think the same like me, but …. Who knows?

How things change in life, ah? From the strongest desire of woman – to see her daughter married, to the same thing being the most hatred one.

I know statistics show that people marry less and less nowadays, but my country and especially my town is still in the middle ages, so they don’t know about these statistics yet and the reasons behind them.

It is not only about heavy divorce taxes and property. It is much more about the big mistakes we make after we start thinking we have chosen a partner for a lifetime and way of life for a lifetime.

How pitiful we are! Nothing is for a lifetime. We have only us and only today. And if we are not here, today and can’t share our thoughts and feelings with our partner today we have nothing. Neither the signature on the paper at the day of our wedding matters, nor the promises we make to each other for the future.

So, I won’t forbid my daughter to live with somebody. I will encourage her on that. But I want to minimize the great expectations a wedding day is implying, the false sense of security the marriage gives and the risk of her husband taking her for granted. The marriage never grants love and affection, it much more often ruins them.

Moreover a human being needs some liberty to feel a human being. Love gives liberty, but not marriage. If you allow me to quote Benjamin Franklin, although I think he had something else in mind saying this:

“Those who would give up ESSENTIAL LIBERTY to purchase a little TEMPORARY SAFETY, deserve neither LIBERTY nor SAFETY. ”

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Absolute Beginner in Freelancing

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:29:32 +0200

Here are the simple facts:
1. I am a blogger.
2. I left my husband and I am trying to live with my daughter on one salary and I hardly succeed.
3. I need extra money and I need to earn them in the evenings and weekends preferably via internet.
4. I have created a PayPal account and did some research on internet on freelancing.
5. I found that there are possibilities, but as I am a beginner and I am living in Bulgaria, not in Western Europe or USA I haven’t got that many chances although I believe I have certain talents.
6. My only path to success is to prove my talents here, so that I can get different freelancing jobs.

Now I need to write an article, but I have difficulties in choosing topic.
Let’s try two different approaches:
1. I will grab a book from my shelf, open it on a random page, read a random word/phrase and write an article on it.
2. I will see what is bothering my mind the most in the last couple of days and will write an article on that subject.

So, I took a book from the shelf, opened it and … what I read you will see in the next post.

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Another Eurydice

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 08:21:17 +0200

I was in the land of dead
And Hades was not guarding me.
I was staying on my own
No memories of the other world,
No connections to anybody.
The lonely business death.
I didn’t won’t to run,
I didn’t want to want
I didn’t feel.
It was not about resurrection,
Because before
It was not exactly … life.
He came,
He was at the birth,
Helped for the first steps
And now he holds me in his arms –
Naked, we breathe in harmony,
On our backs slowly grow
… wings …

Another Eurydice by Maya Angelova is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Bulgaria License.
Based on a work at afluteofreed.blog.co.uk.

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Forgotten flower

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:13:12 +0100

The leaves are painting
Picture stud in brown
On the asphalt.
I don’t like the avangardizm,
But to give even your dead color out
Is touching.
Eclectic bouquet
Of flowers and seasons
We gathered
And then …. left.
I am also a forgotten flower –
Over there,
In the corner,
Next to my father's pipe.

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a poem

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:33:24 +0200

drops
of tender
words
seep through
the iron
armor
and set out
on a journey
to meet
your
sentences
and
together
to write down
a poem
about something
that happens
somewhere
here

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Mandala of the day

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:29:33 +0200

"Art is what God makes as man" Hazarat Inayat Khan

"Deity depiction causes the One that is without form, color, or breath to appear." Upanisad 4:1

http://mandalas.com/SquareMandalas/OrangeSunshineMandala.php

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Clairvoyancy

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 10:20:11 +0200

my orange dress on daisies
matches the sunflowers
in my mind,
is in contrast to
the fog in my heart
and meets my plans
for easy and joyful
Autumn

the same way I know that
the rose that is a rose will fade,
the snow that is snow will cover the grass
the Spring that is Spring will come in May,
something in me always knows
what will happen … anyway …

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longing for reality

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:05:31 +0200

again
it wells up
rises from me
unweary
unextinguishing
mad energy
and passionate longing
for the real
only Le Clézio
would understand
and would walk with me
in deserts
on colored clouds
through the jungle
and would avoid with me
the inertia of the cities
the people’s jabber
and walls
of concrete
and ugly iron
we would examine the ore,
the lichen on the stones
the sea’s most deep
depths
together with our souls
aspirations
truths
and those mirror planes
in the other
in us
in the reality
that gives birth to us
and we give birth to

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My streets

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 13:54:13 +0200

The morning streets of town are
Mine.
The flower’s bloom in the yards is
Mine.
The dew spread over the grass
Is mine.

The herbs do magic
On their own,
The birds imitate
Classics and
The sun tells jokes
To me.

The morning river flows
For me,
The water makes me dizzy
From a distance
And the mountains
Tempt me with
Their pale nimbus.

The morning streets,
Mountains,
Rivers,
Lakes
Are mine.
If you walk with me,
Side by side,
Smiled,
They will be all yours
With all my heart.

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The good people

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 09:16:14 +0200

There are people of this kind

The most unnoticeable one

You won’t hear them speaking loudly

They won’t push you in the crowd

They never stare at you offended

They only give you their hand

When you stumble on the knobby ground,

Or offer you a penny that is their last

To help you buying bread and milk

And if by mare accident

They just hear you mentioning …

They will take you to the Moon

Not because they are in love

Or want to show that they are good

But because that’s their way

The nature of their hearts

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Pride

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 08:25:58 +0200

A man I know from the local pub said to me the other day:

“Only stupid people have pride.”

His personal record is being 8 month drunk all the time until he has been working as a waiter in a roadside restaurant.

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Easy going people

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 10:17:26 +0200

I like people that are easy going.
I hate to think all the time what to say in order not to hurt somebody.
I am a Sagittarius for Christ sake. How can I think before saying something?
So I can’t live with people whose Ego is at the size of cathedral.
This may mean than my Ego is not that small, but in fact I can forget myself easily and think mostly about the people I love.
I even suspect that this is the formula of happiness – thinking about the people you love and when they are well you are even better. Ego makes us feel miserable .... not that we can always be happy and not that the Ego is something evil ... but ...

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Funeral Blues

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:16:21 +0200

Funeral Blues
W.H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My moon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

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Something

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 05:40:30 +0200

Even in these days
I look for
The silent,
Perishable
Sadly-beautiful
And tender
Company
Of the flowers
Somewhere
Somehow
Something
Happens

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Next question for the day

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:39:23 +0200

"Will you be able to feel a supreme bliss if you have never felt supremely miserable?"

Sub-question:

"If the answer of the previous question is "no" would you be happy to pay the price of supreme misery in order to achieve supreme bliss"?

P.S. Does someone know how can I stop asking myself stupid questions?

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How do you call ...

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:04:46 +0200

... such a mood in which you feel good, bad, indifferent and passionate simultaneously?

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I am looking for a place

Thu, 29 May 2008 07:11:56 +0200

I am looking for a place.

I re-arrange books,

Wardrobes,

I open all the cupboards

And then start all over again.

I design catalogues

Following logic –

To know what is where

In perfect tidiness.

Yes, one day there will be an order,

The plan is done.

I only need to find a place

For my dammed love.

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Good Morning, World!

Wed, 28 May 2008 06:08:44 +0200

Sometimes I just want to say Good Morning to the World.
It’s a wonderful sunny and warm morning and even if I still have some bitter-sweet taste in my mouth from all I have done in the last couple of weeks and even if I have unsettled relationship with a close friend I feel good.
It is difficult to feel bad in the late Spring. Only some evenings are … strange, but yesterday I had a drink with my colleagues, then with my husband and his colleagues and I was feeling dizzy and happy at the end.
Tonight even my daughter won’t be here /she is going with my mom to my grandmother’s village/, so there are good chances for me getting really drunk .
No, getting drunk is not the point. The point is to enjoy yourself in the best way you can find. I am not one of these folks that think that life is suffering. Oh, no. I do suffer, but this is deviation from the main stream. Life is fun. And I am going to make it even more fun this summer!

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What we are?

Sat, 17 May 2008 13:36:47 +0200

I wonder what we are. Are we what we think, or we are what we feel, or we are what we do?
I can’t imagine a situation in which all our thoughts, feelings and actions are in harmony to happen very often.
No, actually I must admit that there were periods in my life I have been in such a harmony. Only some very small deviations.
For better or worse for more than a year I am in disharmony with some deviations of peaceful moments.
Its not that bad, because I feel alive and this period was very creative.
Only lately I feel additional disharmony in the normal disharmony.
It looks like something will happen.
In the meanwhile I wonder if I have problem in …. trusting and loving somebody.
I don’t let people too close to me, because I have been hurt so many times by people I loved that I can’t do this any more. When I am in love I am too open and too fragile. They can’t sense that and often their thoughts and actions have been hurting me. I wonder if the problem is not actually in me. Why I am hurt? What do I want? Someone to cherish me and try to understand me and not hurt me?
I know I am not perfect and some truths about me may sound bad and may make me feel bad, but if I know he does it for my own good … I will be ok with some pain. But if someone wants to hurt me only for the pain ….
The other problem is I hate someone to try to control or manipulate me and I also hate someone to agree with me all the time and to ask me for every step he wants to make. Where is the golden mean? Why I haven’t met that Golden mean?
So, I need to think about my ability to trust and love …. openly …

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The secret chemical ingredient

Fri, 16 May 2008 12:31:52 +0200

some tender words are trying
to come out of my mind
but I can’t stand mawkish, pinky, sticky
declarations of love
and suggestive sighs.
Is this love
to be described
or it is an inexplicable need
for you,
the moments in which
I kiss the world,
the sharing of most inmost insights
for us and the Earth
that is such a Heaven and such a Hell,
the suspicions we are not from this Star
and everything concerning Salvation
that is from the pain
that is from the love itself
coming from the similar imperfections we have
and the chemical ingredient
that is still a secret for the world.

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The World

Fri, 16 May 2008 09:15:11 +0200

Isn't the world around us reflection of our souls? Of what we actually are?

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Worry

Thu, 15 May 2008 09:30:15 +0200

I am worried that
Love is supposed to change
The person.
To revive him,
Inspire him,
To give him wings.
To illuminate him
In the meaning of
Enlightenment
And in the meaning of light.
To make him a better one.
But what is happening
in reality?

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Come

Sat, 10 May 2008 16:19:23 +0200

I write out of joy
In the mornings,
Out of sadness
In the evenings
And out of pure madness
at nights.
Can I scream
For a while?
Will I die
If I don’t write?
No, I will die
Of something else,
But it is better
To be silent.
My quiet call
May be is louder.
Come!

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Adrenalin

Sat, 10 May 2008 09:05:09 +0200

I love.
Even my hair bristles up!
I don’t want security.
I want surprise,
Element of tension,
The feelings – cascade;
To suspect your love,
Not to lie on its hands.
Dead calmness
Is not what I need,
Nor yet
imaginary troubles.
The adrenalin
keeps my fire
And that flight in clouds …

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Amalgam

Sat, 10 May 2008 07:03:23 +0200

I love.
The amalgam of pain
And joy crushes me
And then revives me
With sudden jump
In space.
I breathe.
My feelings breathe.
Sometimes I hate,
But my love comes
In waves and
Floods the ocean.
Scream.
I fall,
I stand ...
Never in peace ...

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Rooted

Thu, 08 May 2008 18:49:14 +0200

Rooted,

Sealed in me.

As though part of my soul

Is yours.

As tough

Day after day

We have been

Woven in thoughts,

Senses and

Movements …

As though

In every moment of time

We have been living

Together

For ever

And one …

…

But still

Separated …

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Cross

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:19:37 +0200

I am hanging on the cross
Of my own Golgotha
And I am tempted to deaden
The pain again.
To meditate,
To get out,
To fly
In space so far away,
To finally forget.
Yes,
I can wake up the God in me
And attenuate the Man.
I can,
But not today.
Today I will be sad
And thinking on the conflict
Of my dual nature
And cruelness
I show once in a while.
Does the Truth excuse me?

I feel fallen today
And I deserve the cross ….

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Bloom

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 07:15:25 +0200

Blooming meadows,

Blooming trees,

Bloom in my daughter’s hair

And on my sleeve.

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Light and easy

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 10:16:26 +0200

Unload this world

Of sense.

Three, two!

Do you feel the peace of mind?

Its like walking down

The mountains

With an empty rucksack;

It’s like a shaking

Orgasm.

The burden is

From the ego only.

Love, freedom

And smile

Are light.

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